When Your Thoughts Differ From Your Partners

My partner and I lost our baby at 8 weeks but we didnt find out untill I was 12 weeks and it was another week before we could have the D&C. My partner has delt with this relatively quickly and matter of factly, where as I am struggeling a fair bit now.

I know it’s different for men and I know it’s a physical thing for women and we of course would feel this thing more deeply but I wanted to know how he got over this so quickly. I suspected that he didn’t but we we’re not talking about it and any time we did it ended up with us both being frustrated and angry.

So I asked him – did he feel that the miscarriage was something that had just happened to me or did he feel like I did that we had lost our child?

I really wish I had not asked that question.

He said that he found it very difficult to answer it. He said that he felt that we had lost something very special – the potential to have another child. I clarified this with him and asked him straight did he not think that we had ACTUALLY lost a child then?

He said how could we class the embryo as a child. It is not even classed as a fetus untill week 12.

I asked him if he thought the baby had had a soul then and he said he didnt know. He said he does believe that a soul exists but when the soul is formed is another question. One which he had never explored before. So because he did not attach a soul to the embryo I had miscarried then it didn’t feel like we had lost more than the potential to have a baby. It’s a biological thing that is terrible that it happens, but it is a natural thing.

All week since we have had that conversation all I can think of is his words. Please don’t get me wrong about him. He is a very kind and caring man and it’s totally there for me and our two girls in every way. He is such a dedicated father and husband and I love him with all my heart and soul. But his words have just devastated me. I wish I had not asked him for now I feel that my little baby Charile who I believe without a shadow of a doubt is in heaven is not even recognized by his own father. I feel even more alone in my grief now than I ever did before. At least before I could pretend that he was grieving and was just botteling it up but now it is so much worse as Charlie’s little life is not even recognised by the father that he never had.

I don’t know if Im over dramatising this. I am now starting to question my own belief on when the Soul ignites for I used to believe whole-heartedly that it ignited at the first spark of life. I’m so confused now and even sadder than I was before.

What do you guys think? I really need some help with this one. All comments welcome.

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Mother of Saoirse and Méabh and my little one in heaven Charlie x

  1. I have lived thru 3 miscarriages (6 weeks, 8 weeks and 10 weeks). Its a journey for sure, and men and women do see it differently. I just picked up a book this weekend that has really helped me. “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo. It has helped me.

    A young boy survives a life threatening surgery and later begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn’t know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.
    He talks of meeting his miscarried sister, whom no one had ever told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before he was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how “reaaally big” God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit “shoots down power” from heaven to help us.

  2. I tried to find your website to read a bit more about you in order to answer your question, but the link took me back to your post. So I’ll try to keep this simple.

    I fully admit that my views are heavily based in Christianity and based on those teachings, a human soul develops at conception, just the way you mentioned. In many spots in the Bible there are references that God knew us and our children before they were born, even before they were a spark in our eyes. Clearly, this belief is deeply rooted in faith, so I’m sorry if this belief is contrary to your thoughts – as I mentioned, I tried to find out if you were also a believer.

    I totally sympathize with you as a conversation like that can really make you feel very alone. My husband freely admits that I had a different relationship with our child than I did, and we both grieve it differently. Don’t give up on your beliefs.
    Sending you warm hugs at this difficult time!!