When Does The Aching Stop?

My husband and I had a wonderful start to our relationship.

He comes from a large family of seven and I, a single child longed to be a mother of a large brood. We agreed that we would try to conceive a few months after we were married. A few months turned into a few years.

Finally, we went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) . I wasn’t surprised. After a month of diet and exercise, we went in for our routine check-up. I was told I was ovulating and to try the “old fashion way”. We did immediately of course!

Two weeks later I just had a feeling. Went home and tested on a cheap dollar store pregnancy test. BAM — big fat positive! I couldn’t believe it. I ended up buying 10 more tests and took them all throughout the next few days just to prove to myslf that it was finally happening.

Three weeks into the pregnancy I noticed some red discharge. I immediately went to the ER in terror. I started passing small clots. I was convinced that I was miscarrying. I was sent home and told to take it easy, but I was still carrying.

Not even a week later I started spotting heavily again. I again went to the ER and after spending five hours and being probed twice, I was reassured that quite a few women bleed throughout their pregnancies and was again sent home on light duty.

By this point I was pretty comfortable with the fact that I would have some bleeding, and that everything would work out fine. That God had given us this little bundle of joy.

A few nights later while I was at work, I started having pretty severe cramping. I was passing large clots. I work in a hospital so I walked myself over to the ER for a THIRD time and was seen almost immediately. The doctor told me that the sac was quite small for how far along I was (now five weeks) and that it was not the best sign. He took me out of work for the next week and told me to keep my feet up. I got home, filled with hope, felt the need to pee (as all pregnant woman can attest to) and that’s when I felt it come out.

My first reaction was, “No. That is impossible. It has to be something else.”
There it was. My little baby. A small bit of tissue, but still my child.

It has been months since then and I am still struggling everyday. It’s to the point where I just want to have my memory wiped. My sister in law was diagnosed with PCOS four months before I was. She just gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy. She also has two other children.

I struggle with feelings of anger, jealously, depression, and emptiness. I was told by my OB that I have a heart shaped uterus. It can raise the risk of miscarriage. I am very nervous that it will happen again.

My husband and I are not doing anything to prevent a pregnancy, and every month I hold my breath.

When does the aching stop?

— Sara

Photo Credit: adapted from Valerie Everett | Flickr