The Countdown

It’s only been two months since I lost my baby. Her name was Olivia. I wanted my daughters name to be Olivia for a long time before I even was old enough to have children. I knew her name was going to be Olivia as soon as we found out it was a girl.

You see like every married couple you never agree on anything. That was the first time we both could agree on something! The first time I found out I was pregnant I was so excited that I thought I would have a heart attack. I started the countdown for her arrival in March. Once the excitement subsided I was nervous that something would happen.

Throughout my pregnancy I suffered bad backaches and headaches. My doctor told me it was normal. However deep down inside I don’t think it was… Since I always worry I decided maybe I should relax. When I was 3 months pregnant a friend of mine lost her baby and was afraid to tell me because she didn’t want me to worry. I was so sad and stressed for her I became obsessed with thinking I would have the same problem. Her cervix was weak. I was so worried about my cervix being week but it wasn’t.

At 4 months I thought something was wrong and went to the emergency room. They said everything was fine.

At 5 months and 4 days I went for my routine check up. I was feeling sick that day and remembered telling my students please are on their best behavior because I wasn’t feeling well. Although I was sick I just wanted to get through the day to hear my baby’s heartbeat and see her body moving around in me.

It was October 27, 2011 and it was a rainy dreary day. I was late to my appointment and apologized for being late. What I didn’t know that second was this was going to be my last ultrasound. Looking back at that day the tech was very quiet and not as talkative like other times. My husband was with me and we were just excited and waiting to hear the heartbeat. The tech said she would be right back and then it got fuzzy. It felt like a dream. The doctor proceeded to tell us that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat. I was in shock and began to breakdown. At this time they told me that I would have to deliver my baby and that I should check into labor and delivery. My husband and I left and drove off to labor and delivery. It didn’t hit him until he called his mom. I never saw my husband break down but that was the first day I saw raw emotion from him.

I was a mess – my parents, mother in law, sister in law and two aunts came to visit me and stayed until it was time for me to deliver.  On October 28,2011 8 hours later I delivered our first-born. I saw her and held her like she wasn’t dead. I quickly realized she was gone. I sobbed and sobbed and spent 9 hours with her. I was up for over 24 hours but couldn’t find myself to sleep because I knew that was going to be the last time I held her. Instead of planning her homecoming we were planning her funeral.

 The days that followed was surreal I cried and cried so much that my eyes were swollen like someone punched me. I felt like I failed. Then I lactated which made me want to die. I screamed to god to give me my baby back but it didn’t happen. I got angry so angry that I thought If I had someone to blame that it would be better. When I was tired of screaming to god and being angry I was sad and cried.

Losing Olivia was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I struggle to breathe and get through my day. They can’t tell me what happened to Olivia besides having an infection but didn’t know what kind. Everyone keeps telling me I should be happy that nothing is wrong. It doesn’t make me feel better or less scared. It actually pisses me off that these doctors can’t figure it out. Then I begin to quickly realize that doctors are only human .I stayed home for six weeks to grieve and also so I wouldn’t have to be around my students.

You see to make matters worse I work with little kids. I needed the time to grieve and I did not want them to see me this way. I am back to work and the days are ok but there isn’t one moment where I don’t think of her. I cry every night and talk to my baby girl. I am happy to have a supportive co teacher who is also my friend by my side.

All of my hopes and dreams that I had for Olivia are now gone. I won’t be able to dress her, watch her grow, or do anything for her. The only things I got to pick put for my precious baby is her tombstone and grave site. This is unnatural and I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I am putting my faith in god to help me get through this and try to stay positive that one day I will have a sibling for my sweet Olivia. I wish I could tell the person reading this that time will heal but I can’t. What I can say is handle the grief however you want. You are the only person that knows what you are feeling. Keep loved ones close heck even strangers and talk about your loss in your own terms. Scream, cry, and smile. Be proud of your child who was “still born”. Create memories of the little time you had. We got a blanket that says in loving memory of Olivia and also my mother in law created a shadow box with a poem and her tiny footprints. Don’t let anyone tell you that you will get over it and most importantly realize that it is a deep and profound lost. Don’t be afraid and ashamed of your grief.

I could probably go on forever writing about my journey. I hope one day I can think about my sweet baby without being so sad and empty but today is not that day. Tomorrow will not be that day either. However, today is the day I wrote and I didn’t cry. I hope reading my story makes someone realize that this isn’t easy or gives someone inspiration or feel better because it just isn’t you feeling this way. I will forever cherish my baby and hope one day I have another baby. They will never replace her but maybe just maybe it will ease the pain.

Everyday is still a countdown in my head. I am always counting. I count how many days my baby would still be inside of me and I also count how many days she had passed.

Life will never be the same and I am coming to terms with that. I continue to be thankful for my blessings and hope whoever reading this will also.

 Keep breathing…

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