Something Just Changes Inside You


Back in November of 2013, we found out the most exciting news. We were finally pregnant after 2 years of trying with our fertility issues. We were ready to announce by New Year’s Eve, but baby never made it. On December 23, we found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I had a D&C in January and said good bye to our 10 week baby girl.

Flash forward to May. I find out that my friend, who was not planning on having a baby, is pregnant. I was so mad, heartbroken and it again stirred up the emotions that I pushed down. Then, surprise, I find out that I was pregnant too a week later.

I was so ecstatic and scared, all at the same time. I anxiously waited for my early scans. First HCG tests were great and finally the U/S. It was great, things looked good and I had a confirmed pregnancy. Then the roller coaster starts…

Second U/S was not so good. Baby had no heartbeat at 6 weeks. Doctor says we need to check again in a week because this pregnancy didn’t seem viable. This tore my heart apart. I made my way to work. Cried on and off throughout the day, thinking about my impending 2nd miscarriage. Third U/S, I was dreading this day – I find myself associating bad news whenever I lay down in that U/S room.  I lay there waiting to hear the bad news, but wait, the baby had a heartbeat.  Slow growth, but had a heartbeat. I cried while I laid there and thinking I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We were so happy, but Doctor cautiously says we’re not out of the woods and we’ll need to check again next week. My husband and I come home, a big weight of our shoulders. We were thinking, this baby is a fighter! We will be holding this baby soon!

I felt good throughout the whole week before our appointment. I even traveled for work, but still felt great, I didn’t feel that anything was wrong.  As we sat in the waiting room, I tell my husband, “What if the baby didn’t grow?” He reassures me not to think this way.  Unfortunately, the baby was not OK. No heartbeat, no growth. I think he or she tried to hold on, but couldn’t. I feel like another piece of me died again. The heartbreak of not being able to hold another child, it’s indescribable.

Now I am lying here, waiting for my second miscarriage. My level’s gone down from 25,000 to 14,000 last week. My slight 1% hope is down the drain. I have a box where I keep my 10 weeks baby girl’s sonogram and reminders.  I waited to put these sonogram photos with his or her sister’s things, just in case there was a miracle. God, I hoped for a miracle, but I knew deep down inside it wasn’t going to happen. I hold the sonogram photos in my hands and look at my children that we will never get to hold. It’s crazy to say children, but it’s our reality. Within a 6 months span, we lost two children.

Something just changes inside of you and you’re never the same person. The pain from my first miscarriage was still there and will always be there, with this second baby. Some piece of you is just gone, lost forever. Something I will carry for the rest of my life. I wake up each morning, waiting for it to happen. When I get a second to myself, I think and think and get lost in my mind. I also think, why would this happen? What are the odds of this happening again and what did I do in this or past life to have this happen? These never-ending questions that no one can answer but God. I think about being able to hold my babies in heaven one day.  I think about being able to hold our baby in this world.

— Kat

Photo credit: adapted from  erix! | Flickr

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