Relief, Fears, Doubts, Tears: The Cycle Still Repeats

Relief, Fears, Doubts, Tears: The Cycle Still Repeats

Seeing those two pink lines and the YES+ on November 6th marked one of the happiest days of my life. My husband and I were thrilled. Elated. Over the moon.

Immediately, we fell in love with our baby. We talked about special ways to announce our pregnancy to our close friends and family. Christmas would be the perfect time to make our big announcement.

My first ultrasound was at six weeks, which provided us with the assurance that our baby was growing perfectly. The ultrasound technician asked if we saw the flicker of the heartbeat. “No, I don’t see it but as long as you say it’s there that’s all that matters to me!” We left that appointment on cloud nine. We had already chosen one name for each gender.

About a week after my first ultrasound appointment, my pregnancy symptoms slowly subsided. The nausea was gone. I had more energy. I tried not to think too much about it; I thought I would be blessed with an easy pregnancy.

A week later I would graduate with my master’s degree. This was the day I had worked so hard for and we had so much to celebrate together; so much to look forward to, nothing could get in the way now.

WRONG.

I ended up going to the emergency room the night of my graduation. In the middle of the night on December 14th, we left the hospital, hopeless and heartbroken. In a matter of hours our dreams were shattered. We were devastated. We had to tell all of our close friends the baby was gone. The ultrasound at my OB the following Monday would confirm the miscarriage. We could truly grieve now. The tears flowed.

What was WRONG with me? Why couldn’t I carry a baby??

We waited. We cried. I became envious of other expectant moms. They didn’t know how easy they had it.

As any woman who has walked this path knows — the fears, the questions, and the worries with a pregnancy that follows a miscarriage steals the joy and excitement.

Fast-forward three months later to March 19th. To our surprise I got another positive pregnancy test! We were flooded with emotions and my heart raced to see those two pink lines and that YES+ on a stick. We told ourselves we weren’t going to get excited until we knew for sure.

But there was no stopping the love that grew for our baby from the moment we knew.

As any woman who has walked this path knows — the fears, the questions, and the worries with a pregnancy that follows a miscarriage steals the joy and excitement. I called my OB right away so she could monitor my hormone levels. I was going to do everything I could to get that assurance from the very beginning. Being back in my OB’s office for the first time since the miscarriage brought on a flood of emotions. Seeing all the soon-to-be mothers and a young teenager who was expecting felt like a stab to the heart. It didn’t seem fair. Why didn’t I have my first baby?

Within a week of getting the unexpected positive pregnancy test, I went in for blood work several times and then again to meet with my OB for results. As soon as I heard my doctor say “this doesn’t look good” my heart sank and my mind raced. My Dr. shared how “she had seen miracles happen before” and that it was too early to call it one way or the other. I sobbed all the way home from my appointment. I thought to myself, maybe my hormones started out slow and everything would turn out fine. Maybe I would get to hold my baby in nine months after all.

Hope quickly faded.

Things probably weren’t going to be fine and I probably wouldn’t get to hold my baby.

My husband and I desperately tried to hang on to hope. Just a few days after receiving the news that things didn’t look promising, the bleeding and cramps set in and the tears immediately followed. For days the tears flowed. Now we have lost two babies. The shock, the anger, the heartbreak, and the questions set in.

What was WRONG with me?! I’m healthy. Why couldn’t I carry a baby?! My body had failed me.

In the weeks that followed, we got some answers. I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, a blood clotting disorder.

Relief. Fears. Doubts. Tears. The cycle still repeats.

I continue to grieve never knowing our two babies. I wonder what our babies would be like— were they boys or girls? Did they have brown eyes like me? Would they take after my personality or my husband’s?

I hope to meet our babies one day. I also hope to have a healthy pregnancy in our future.

Photo credit: adapted from Foton28 | Flickr

— Stephanie C 

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