Real Advice: What Your Friend Really Wants From You After Their Loss

Real Advice: What Your Friend Really Wants From You After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Neonatal Loss

Real advice is where we ask you, the community what helped in real life. Your advice and tips instead of the “expert” opinions from someone who may not have had to live through it. We pose a question on our Facebook page and look to you to help those looking for real how-to advice. 


“After your miscarriage, stillbirth, and/or neonatal loss, what did you really want to get or hear from your friends?” — Facebook

“I wanted them to talk about it, so I could remind myself it actually happened, I hadn’t made it up, that this wasn’t some dream I could wake up from. This was my life now and I needed it to be real to more than just me.” — Kayce

“A hug, no advice, no “it’s gonna be okay”, no “I know/ I understand”. Just a silent presence telling me I’m not alone.” — Jen

“Hugs and listening to me rant and cry, a lot. No God has a purpose for everything because right then I hated God. I found I only wanted to talk to people who had experienced it before, ones that TRULY knew what it was like.” — Kaylie

“I wanted a hug or a loving gesture. I know I didn’t want to hear how “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a purpose” but most of all I did not want to hear “It wasn’t meant to be.” I knew that people meant well, but the words seemed “empty” from someone with beautiful children. As a woman of faith, I knew all these sayings in my heart, but I just wanted to grieve. I agree that I wanted to talk with someone that had experienced the type of grief I was going through. Only they would know exactly what I was feeling.” — Gigi

“One of my friends had her baby shortly after I lost mine and she couldn’t have handled any better. She didn’t try to give advice or sugar coat it, instead she put herself in my shoes to try to understand it. She let me take the lead through my grief. She understood I needed to do things on my own time. She set aside time so I could meet her new little one without an audience in case I broke down, and supported me by telling me it was ok if I wasn’t ready or needed to leave. She told me how brave I was and cried with me. She listened to everything I was willing to say about it, she even still mentions my angel on occasion. While it always takes me back and I’m not sure how to react, because everyone else acts like it never happened and he never existed so I don’t expect it, inside it warms my heart to know that my pain is validated and my baby was not forgotten.” —Beth

“I didn’t want them to say anything. I just wanted them to be ok to sit in silence and listen or be quiet with me or let me be angry or whatever the day may have brought. I also wanted them to be ok when 6 or 8 or 9 months or 2 years later I was still angry or need to talk. I wanted them to accept my grief for what it was and is.” — Jenna

” Not time will heal the loss of your baby boy .No it won’t you will soon forget no you won’t It was gods will,was it really ? I would like you to ask what we named him , and to speak of him often with me ,and please don’t say he is in a better place , his place was in my arms .” — Nanna

“Just to listen” — Debbe


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Photo credit: adapted from h3h | Flickr

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Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

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