“If music be the food of love, play on.” – William Shakespeare
I love music. All kinds of music. I could be listening to hardcore “screamo rock” music one minute and then the next, be listening to a classical piano piece. My eclectic taste in music probably comes from my upbringing, from my dad’s own wide variety of music and vast collection of albums. I spent all four years of my high school career in multiple choir classes.
And my husband, Joe, and I have bonded over our mutual love of Dave Matthews Band and spent many summers through college following them around. But music has been something deeper for me, the songs and lyrics hitting the deepest parts of my soul. When I’m happy you can find me dancing around my kitchen like a fool, or when I’m sad you’ll find me in tears, feeling the pain of the artist mixing with the pain I feel.
So, when I had my miscarriage, it was music that I turned to in my sorrow. The songs I listened to matched every single emotion I felt through the whole experience, and still do to this day as I struggle through the five stages of grief. And that is how I framed this playlist I want to share with you, in the hope that you feel it and it touches you the same way it has touched me.
When I lost my baby I spent days, maybe even weeks, thinking that the doctors were wrong somehow. I wanted to deny the anguish that I was feeling and escape back into a world where my child still had a heartbeat. These songs were that escape.
Sometimes I get so angry it feels like my heart will explode from my chest. I want to scream and punch walls and pick fights with anyone within a hundred foot radius of me. It may be hard to believe but in those cases I turn to rock music. The more screaming and guitar shredding the better. Just that takes all the anger and confusion bottled up inside me and lets it go by the time the song ends. Throw in a little head banging and you got the perfect remedy for fury.
I would do anything to have my baby back, to know what they would’ve been like once they were born and watch them grow up. When it was still fresh in my mind I would speak to the universe and listen to these songs, asking what I could do to bring them back, even though nothing could be done to change what happened.
As someone who has struggled with depression for some time now, having the weight of this kind of grief on me has been unbelievably hard to overcome. Some days it is hard to get myself out of bed, let alone function like a normal human being. This is when music is the most important to me, and it is the lyrics that speak to me the most. These songs are the songs I sing and cry to in the shower when I don’t want anyone else to see how deep the pain runs.
“The Stone” – Dave Matthews Band
“Dark Paradise” – Lana Del Rey
“All I Want” – Kodaline
While accepting what has happened has come and gone as I go through the stages of grief over and over again, I still feel hope even through all the emotions. Hope that someday I will dance around my kitchen like a fool again, or sing too loud at a Dave Matthews Band concert.
Photo credit: adapted from kohlmann.sascha | Flickr