Maybe Someday We Will ‘Try Again’ But Now Is Not the Time

I have had 4 miscarriages over the last 13 years.

But my most recent was on Wednesday August 26, 2015. My sweet baby girl had stopped growing 3 weeks prior and we found out on the 25th about this and that her heart had stopped beating. We were devastated and were told we would need to call in the next day to set up a D&C.

The D&C was set for 1pm on the 27, but I would not make it that long. I don’t care what anyone says I was having contraction not just cramping….being at home in labor was terrible, worse than labor with my son.

I had no epidural or pain meds with him but I believe the controlled environment helped me relax and therefore helped the pain. By 6 pm I made my second trip to the ER, I had my baby girl. We were taken back to a room where I got to see her tiny little body.

She was beautiful and I named her Harper Bernice.

At this moment I long to hold my baby girl, I feel so sad that I can’t have her with me. I know she must be meant for greater things but I can’t help but feel selfish. I want her with me, I want my son to have his sister. He now points at my empty belly and says “baby”…it breaks my heart. He is only 2 1/2, so he doesn’t understand.

Maybe some day we will try again, but now is not the time to decide, I love you sweet baby girl and my 3 other sweeties that have gone before….mommy holds you all in her heart!

— Erica

Photo credit: adapted from Simply Polar | Flickr