It Wasn’t In My Hands Though

everything we could

June 29 was the day we were supposed to have Tatum Lee in our lives.

She came about three months early and we lost her. The whole time I was hoping for a miracle when I was fighting for her.

I did everything in my power to try and save her so she could be in this world with us. It wasn’t in my hands, though. The day before she passed, I spoke privately with God. I told him all I wanted was for her to be healthy and have a whole life full of happiness and everything she could imagine.

I know in my heart that she was healthy in me, but in reality, I know if she were born early then complications would occur and she couldn’t live that full life. I was hoping and praying for that miracle.

The doctors were telling me it was me and my body, they said everything with her was good, she is healthy – you just need to keep her in there. And that’s what I tried to do.

I love that little girl with all my heart! She was delivered emergency c-section at 23 weeks and didn’t end up making it. I tried so hard to keep her in there, fought every night and day with the most tremendous amount of pain I have ever felt physically and emotionally.

My husband, the father of this amazing little girl, was by my side fighting with me and being so strong! His strength is inspiring! Did God respond through Tatum not surviving? Did he know she wasn’t going to be healthy if she came early? Why did this happen!

I wanted this little sweet girl more than anything! It doesn’t seem real, and every day I think of her. We got to hold her and be with her for two days after her birth, she looked just like her Big Brother Walker Clay.

I one day know I will get to see her, and I can’t wait for that day – to tell her how proud I am to be her Mother and let her know how she has made us stronger than we ever thought we were, how she has shown me I am a fighter.

For that, I will fight every day and live every day a full and happy life, for her and for my family, but also for me. I made this promise on her due date because it’s going to be a new life, it would have been her new life in this world, her footprints will live through us!

We love you, Tatum Lee!

— Emilee

Photo credit: adapted from Timothy Valentine | Flickr

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