It Felt Like Someone Stabbed Me In the Gut


I am 35-years old and I had an unplanned pregnancy.

The minute I found out, I was shocked, but over the moon. I had always loved kids — I could do this. Someone to love and never be alone again. I had a wonderful pregnancy, swimming every day and just glowing.

Noah was born 9 days over-due and  they placed him in my arms looking straight onto my eyes. I was in love instantly. My beautiful baby perfect so handsome. I fed him and he was happy.

We were all snapping photos then, he just stopped breathing. He was picked up like a rag doll and what now felt like slow motion — in a horrendous nightmare.

Why me? Why my baby?

He spend six days in the neonatal unit. He had brain damage and was there for days. He passed away on September 24th at 11 am.

It was heartbreaking. I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the gut and twisted the knife.

One year later, I am trying to get my life back. It’s hard — where do you go after planning a life with your new beautiful, baby boy?

I was a single mum, so the loneliness still is the hardest part.

Photo credit: adapted from  | Flickr

— Lorraine

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