I’m Aware of How Blessed I Am, But It Still Hurts

blessed but sad

I haven’t always wanted children, when I was 3 months away from getting married, something clicked, I knew I wanted a child.

We were lucky I got pregnant on our honeymoon; we shouted from the rooftops our happy news. 8 weeks later we had to tell everyone the devastating news; we lost our baby. No one talks about miscarriage, I didn’t realize how common they were until people started to share out of their concern for me. I did my research + vowed to never again tell people until we knew we were in the clear.

5 months later, we were pregnant again. This one lasted a short 8 weeks again. My husband was excited + he told a few people. I miscarried while @ work + had to go home. I understood the first, after all it’s common; I wasn’t ready for the second. I was depressed + thought we’d never have a child. My doc did a few tests here + there + everything looked fine; not sure still if I felt better or worse.

5 months later, we took another test; this time I waited 8 weeks to put myself through the torture of seeing a positive result + wondering how long it would stay. Each day was agony, I didn’t start to enjoy my pregnancy that I wanted so badly until I saw him @ our 20 week ultrasound. He was healthy + just beautiful. I’ve never loved an ultrasound more. We carried him full term with one of the longest deliveries ever. My water broke before he was ready to make his way out. It was worth every hour of it. He was absolutely perfect!!

We got pregnant again 15 months later + I waited awhile to take the test, I was still afraid. We had no complications with this one either; another perfect baby boy.

We decided that we wanted one more to complete our family + no we weren’t trying for a girl, sure it would be nice, but we were after a healthy baby. I miscarried as soon as we started “trying”. This one was weird because I still had my cycles just felt weird + went to the doc because I wasn’t feeling well. Found out I was pregnant + miscarrying all in the same day.

We took a break, work got it the way + then we decided it was now or never as we were both getting older + so were the boys. We wanted to keep them close together. I got pregnant this Jan. My body knew right away; I was showing after just 6 weeks + while we didn’t want to tell people, we told our close family + friends. Around 8 weeks again I got sharp pains + started to miscarry. I went to the doc, they confirmed it. I was supposed to go back in 2 days to get my blood drawn again, but we were headed to Disney. I was not going to let a loss get in the way of our much needed vacation + where better to grieve? The whole vacation just wasn’t right; I felt awful my belly, back, head + I still felt pregnant. I woke up in the middle of our last night there with the most severe pain I’ve ever felt + very sick. I slept on the bathroom floor. I passed something the following day + felt 10 times better.

Went back to reality (work) but had to leave because I couldn’t walk. I go to the ER share my story + they said that my levels are very high for miscarrying a few weeks ago. Finally they decided to do a D&C; come to find out I was pregnant with twins, one in my tube + a miscarriage with the other. My right tube exploded + miraculously healed itself, but my organs were shutting down because of all of the blood.

Once healed we decided to try again + were warned that I’d be high risk, but we were okay with that. We once again became pregnant + again suffered another miscarriage. We had to go to the doc to ensure everything took care of itself naturally; which is when they found the mass. I had two masses removed + they said everything looked great no cancer + good luck with my next pregnancy.

That pregnancy just happened; again no idea I was pregnant. After the last loss that nearly took my life too, I made many changes, I quit my job to ensure I was truly enjoying what we do have + then I worked on me. I eat right, exercise everyday + am the healthiest I’ve been since high school. It started with the lower back pain + then came the “extra cycle”. My husband made me go to the doc + he was right; another ectopic + unfortunately this one took my “good” tube. The doc said I had beautiful ovaries — all I could do is laugh while cry.

I know there are people who don’t have any children + I’m aware of how blessed I am, but it still hurts. I feel selfish because I feel empty. I was looking forward to being able to raise this “baby” from start to finish. I was working 65 hour a week when I had my first two. My pump went everywhere with me. I know we can do IVF thanks to my “beautiful ovaries”, but there’s no way my husband would agree to that since we already have 2 healthy boys. I’m almost completely healed from my surgery, now to see if/when/how I’ll deal with the fact that I can no longer have any more children.

Photo credit: adapted from SLR Jester | Flickr

— Kerry

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