I Think This Will Take a While Before I’m OK

Before I met my husband I had two beautiful children to the wrong person, years of abuse, I finally got the courage and strength to leave with my babies.

Sworn off men (just needing sometime to recover emotionally) I had no desire to start a relationship again, I mean I just found my new freedom, I could do what I wanted too and not have to ask for permission. I met my husband months after my separation was strong, good looking with a great sense of humor, and he treated me with respect and love, which I never had in my life (I was abandoned by my parents when I was little).

Falling in love with my husband was easy, we started dating, then moved in together, shortly we bought a house, he has always been my rock, he loved me and my children. The desire for ‘another’ child was always in my heart, I mean he had no children, yet he was the father to a stranger two, he has always been an amazing father, but with a mortgage and two children already money was tight, so I opted for birth control.

Seven years later, we got married, it was up there as one of my best days ever (second to the birth of my babies), I didn’t want a big wedding, but he didn’t want me to regret it.  I got everything I wanted that day, no questions asked, I got a big wedding.  My husband has always been that way; he wants to spoil me.  I started university last year, and he spoils me through support, he is my rock.  He pushes me through, tells me to study, cleans and cooks, after working 9 hour days.  

Last December we decided that we would try again, timing was good, we were ahead with the mortgage and car payments, and I had maternity leave, me having another baby would complete our happy little lives.  Our children got excited when we told them.  I had bought the cot, the crib, my husbands parents bought a pram.

Within three months we were pregnant, I was so elated, words cannot describe the mood in our house. I went to the doctor to start getting tests done, we got a phone call the next day from my doctor, I knew something wasn’t right. My Hcg levels were not as high as they should of been. Not to mind though, I thought, maybe my timing was out? I wasn’t presenting with cramps or bleeding, so I booked in for a follow-up blood test. Again these tests were not as high as my doctor would like, they should have doubled in a week.

 I guess that’s when I accepted that there was something wrong (I’m studying registered nursing so I had a fair idea), I was to go for an ultrasound the following week, in case my pregnancy was ectopic. Two days later I passed my baby, and started to bleed heavily. I went to emergency with my rock beside me, holding my hand. I had an internal ultrasound, but there was nothing but a sac on the screen.

To say we were devastated is an understatement. I cried for days, I couldn’t eat, didn’t want to be here with out my precious baby. But exams wait for no one, and despite the heart ache my husband pushed me. A week after my exams, I found more joyous news, another positive pregnancy test. I finally had some light in my life. I started eating healthy again, exercising, its funny when you are elated, but depressed at the same time.

My doctor watched this pregnancy closely, my levels were low, but I knew when we conceived it was two weeks after the miscarriage, so I pushed that aside, particularly after the second blood test which showed a double in Hcg levels. I had sore breasts, clear skin, I was looking radiant.

Time came book to meet our little rainbow baby. I was even starting to feel sick, our second pregnancy was feeling positive. I went to work one morning, and felt a gash of fluid come out, desperately I went to the toilet to investigate. No matter what I done, what I could do, I had lost the baby. My colleagues called an ambulance, whilst I contacted home.

My daughter answered the phone, I asked to speak to Daddy, and she cried “oh no Mum, I’m so sorry,” my husband beat me to the hospital, and waited in the waiting room while doctors took blood, examined the blood loss and spoke of admission. I told them I wanted my rock, so they got my husband. Offers of morphine and other opioids were the best the doctors could do, but without seeing that there was no baby, I wasn’t going to give up hope.

We live in a rural area, no ultrasound available on a Sunday, I would have to wait until tomorrow was what I was told. I went home deflated, and depressed. What have I done? why can’t I have a baby? I had two successful pregnancies when I was younger (12 years ago), was 32 too old? should I just give up? The pain and blood loss that night was horrible, I probably should have gone back to emergency, but I didn’t want to go and listen to others giving birth as I was losing our precious child.

The ultrasound the following day confirmed my worse nightmares, no baby, I was rushed through emergency this time as I was loosing too much blood.  Morphine eased the pain, will at least physically.  The doctors and nurses, were all so careful of what not to say, but I heard it all before.  I know I’m only young, I know that we will try again, I am blessed to have two beautiful children already, I did do everything right, it was two losses so close together, maybe next one will be OK?

 I wanted this baby and the last, we were devastated again.

I was admitted to maternity, where I heard a girl begging the doctors to terminate her pregnancy (are you kidding me) I so wanted to go and punch her in the head (and I’m not violent). I had a D &C the following day. That was two weeks ago. My friends know not to ask me how I am going, my rock wants the old me back, but I’m now grieving two precious babies.

I think this will take a while till I’m OK.

Photo credit: adapted via Flickr / izoo3y

— Renee