I Don’t Know Where to Start

This is one of those things I’m not sure where to start.

My husband & I have a total of 4 children; 2 with us & 2 that have passed. My husband avoids emotional stuff like the plague so both times we miscarried, he acted like nothing had happened & everything was hunky dory.

He’d bug me for sex & then make me feel bad when I said I didn’t feel up to it & now a year after our last one, I’m finally to a point where I want to move on & try again – NOW he doesn’t want to. I want to have my husband back! I know how he feels, but it’s just so frustrating that he had a year to deal with all of this so we could be on the same page & nope! Avoided.

Now we fight quite a bit because i feel like he’s slipping away. All he does is eat, sleep, play video games & go to work. He doesn’t talk to me — it’s as if he doesn’t think I think about our babies. I think about them all of the time!! Our last one, would have been born on March Break so we’d have a 2.5 month old.

I wonder if the baby was another boy or the girl I’ve been wanting for the last 6+ years. I wonder if they know we love them & miss them every day. There isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t wish they were here, but we fight & I should be more understanding & more supportive. I’m a horrible person because I make him feel like his feelings don’t matter, etc.

I hate being the bad guy. I want my husband back! I want him to be happy again. I want him to joke with me like we used to & not feel like I have to wear my kids gloves with him. I feel like I can’t even talk to him anymore without him getting upset with me. I thought when I was grieving it was lonely – this is just as bad! I want us to go to couples counseling and he wont. I suggested he speak with someone – not just about this but everything going on – he wont.

So here I am; a stay at home mom with 2 little boys that the only person i see on a regular basis IS my husband & he literally wont talk to me. I’m lucky to get “what are you making for dinner?” We used to cuddle to fall asleep.. now he’s on the furthest side away from me & most of the time asks me not to touch him..

I just feel so helpless & that everything is hopeless.. eventually my marriage will just fall apart & then I’ll truly be alone.

— Maggie

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