I Believe My Five Children Are Watching Over Me


It’s been an emotional roller coaster that cannot be explained to anyone unless they have been through it.

Like most married couples in this day, we planned when to go off birth control and I am one of the lucky people – it didn’t take long and I was pregnant within two months of being off the pill.

Happy and excited, family members told us to wait until about 12 weeks before we go see the gynaecologist. I made the appointment well in advance and did a countdown until we would meet our little one.

She used the transvaginal, and immediately her expression changed, she couldn’t pick up the heartbeat. She tried different angles and still no heartbeat, my baby’s heartbeat stopped at eight weeks and I had no knowledge of miscarrying. I had a missed miscarriage/abortion.

What an ugly name? I was scheduled for a D&C the following week. My husband and I left her office broken. It was like a funeral home when our parents and siblings came to see us. Had the D&C and was told that this happens, but not to worry the next pregnancy will be all good. Went for my follow up appointment and I told my husband that I no longer wanted to go to her as she was so cold and uninformative and so matter of fact.

We then fell pregnant immediately after the D&C and just as I confirmed my pregnancy, we miscarried. Also found out a lady I worked with was pregnant and didn’t want the baby, she had the baby and we are the greatest of friends. Thought to myself how unfair is life. I found a new doctor, did my D&C and then had tests done. Discovered I have insulin resistance. Was prescribed medication and told to wait six months before we try again.

In that time, my husband and I separated because we didn’t know how to comfort each other and instead of growing closer we pushed each other away. By the time I realised what was happening, I was moving out of our home and he was talking divorce. I cried and kept asking God, “why, why can he not love me enough to give me the one thing I want to so badly?” I was angry and despondent and on top of that my marriage was falling apart. I kept asking him why is he giving babies to drug addicts, alcoholics, people who didn’t want their kids and was dumping them.

We had two miscarriages in the space of four months.

We tried reconciling and I ended up falling pregnant, on birth control, three months after the last loss, but we still weren’t back together and it seemed like divorce was nearing closer. Needless to say, I was overjoyed. God gave me someone to love unconditionally and who would love me unconditionally I waited until I told him. I eventually told him and made it clear that I didn’t want to be with him for the sake of the baby and he felt the same.

We went for an early scan due to the previous miscarriages and it picked up two gestational sacs but no heartbeat was told to wait two weeks and come back that never happened. I had lost the babies before the two weeks were up and I had the worst miscarriage ever. I passed the sac out without them having to do a D&C and the pain and blood – OMG was like death. Thank God for parents, family and friends.

I then decided I have had enough I waited for the divorce papers so I could move on with my life. I reconnected with God and realized he knows why and that in the end I will be OK and I will be a mother.

My husband contacted me two weeks after the miscarriage and we started working out our problems. I went back home and then spoke about trying again, we waited six months, knowing we were with another doctor.

I went off the pill and fell pregnant immediately, overjoyed was not the word, but fearful, was waiting for something to happen. I was seven weeks pregnant and started bleeding, my husband rushed me to the hospital, was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.

The scan showed a foetal pole at six weeks and my blood coincided with the six weeks sac. I was put on Cyclogest for seven days and bed rest and told to come back in two weeks.

The spotting continued but very slight, we went to the doctor in that two-week bracket and the baby had grown, but still no heartbeat. She did more blood work and I had to go into hear that the baby stopped growing. But my husband wanted a second opinion and we decided to go to another doctor that had helped friends of ours. He also only then told me then that I never liked the original gynaecologist.

She was a doctor that could never be questioned or asked and that made my husband very uncomfortable, she didn’t even acknowledge him at the appointments. The OB/GN Specialist checked me out confirmed the miscarriage, told us to let the other doctor do the D&C and to come back the following month.

We agreed. I went in for the D&C and the next day I discovered the lady I was going to was a GP that specialised in Gynaecology and not a specialist. She told me that she thinks my husband and I should stop trying because she believes it was our chromosomes causing so many losses and we would never have children together. She told us that we needed to get tested.

I was heartbroken, even if that was the case that was not the time or place to tell me, I  had just had my fourth miscarriage in two years. I was feeling guilty about changing doctors, but that confirmed my decision to go to the new gynecologist, who was actually a specialist in his field. He helped our friends and they were battling for close to three years, her problem and mine is similar, the difference is I fall pregnant easily, but it takes her awhile.

We had our appointment, he looked me over and said the one positive we have is that I do not have a problem falling pregnant. He believes that my body is not giving off enough of the hormone progesterone and that he will stick me into my 10th week of pregnancyHe has prescribed pregnancy vitamin tablets and Glucophage 500g twice a day and told us to have fun while trying and he will see me the minute I am pregnant. He also wanted me to wait two periods and then stop using precautions; he didn’t want me on birth control.

Anyway, I had three periods since my D&C and we are actively enjoying each other and leave it all in God’s hands. This time, I believe it will happen and that God had his reasons. As I write this, I have a feeling I am pregnant and I know this one I will hold in my arms.

I have been able to overcome my losses because I believe in God and his will, I also believe that my five children are watching over their dad and me and that they are God’s special Angels. I don’t tell myself this to comfort myself, I know it as truth. If we do not have God, we have nothing and he carries us and knows why, it’s something we don’t need to understand but something we need to learn to accept.
Stop yourself from being jealous over someone else’s blessing; instead love that baby as if it is your own. One of our friends is currently pregnant and the day I found out I was overjoyed for them. I can’t wait for the baby to be born. Your blessing will come when it’s the right time.

Much love to you all and if you can’t deal with it speak to someone, let the pain and hurt out, and love others that are pregnant and not hate, that’s your healing and overcoming.

Photo credit: adapted from beaucon | Flickr

— Lee-Ann

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