I Am Struggling

I am struggling.

& I don’t know how to make it better.

I’m sitting in a ‘dark hole’ – a triggering time of month for me and I do not know how to make this better.

I went off birth control about 2-3 months ago – not with the hopes of getting pregnant again – but because I wanted to be off of the hormones. Since then my periods have started up again. For near the first time in my life I am having my cycle off hormones and without trying to get pregnant.

My body and mind are confused.

I have the cramps, the heavy flow, the small clots.

I’m triggered right back. 

It is hard to refocus my mind that THIS is normal.  I am reminded of my miscarriages every month. Waiting for the clots to get bigger, to see the baby pass and to double over from pain.

That is not going to happen becuse this is not miscarriage. this is normal.

Rationally I know that, i can see that.

But every month I am boiled over with anxiety.  Right back into this dark place where the grief and anxiety feel like they are going to take over.

How can i make THIS the new normal and not get triggered from something that is a natural body function?

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Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

13 Comments

  2. Hugs, Devan. I wish I knew. I’ve only had once cycle since the loss of our twins and even though I knew to expect it to come soon, it still totally freaked me out. I still find myself checking when I wipe (I’m a random spotter even during regular, non-pregnant cycles) and feeling anxious when I do see red or pink (and that’s NORMAL for me!). We’re actually trying again this month and that has me pretty anxious and scared, too. This whole thing is a trip…one I think we all wish we weren’t on.

  4. Oh, Devan. How awful. I’m so sorry you have to go through this nightmare on a regular basis… it seems so unfair, as if you haven’ t been through enough already. Big hugs and love to you.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles Devan-I can’t even imagine what you are going through being reminded every month about a horrible loss in your life. I do know how triggers happen though, and I know it can be the littlest thing that can set you off and it can be the biggest; no one really knows.

    Just know that you’re not alone. Even if you feel it, reach out to other people (like you did with writing this post) to support you. Tell them you need help (I know, that’s a hard thing for us stoic types to admit O.o).

    Knowing people are there to help can truly mean the difference.

    Lots of love for you!