I Am Still Here

My story almost five years later.

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. It was in complete shock, I did not know what to do. I was petrified to break my mothers heart and I dwelled on what choice to make. One of my friends gave me a few pills that “would make it go away” I was only a few weeks pregnant. I took her pills home and sat alone on the couch with a glass of water in one hand and with the pills in another. I said a prayer and I asked the lord to help me choose the right path, I cried and realized I would be a mother soon. I threw the pills away and wiped my tears away, I was going to be a mother…..

A few weeks later my boyfriend and I finally told my mother; it was the hardest thing to do.

On my first ultrasound the doctor advised me that their was something abnormal with the baby; I was only three months pregnant. I proceeded to continue care at a specialized hospital and had the hardest time when the doctors would routinely ask if I would like to terminate my pregnancy. I did not understand why they pushed it so much. I asked if he could live a normal life and they said yes, so as far as I was concerned as long as the baby could have a normal life terminating the pregnancy was not an option.

My pregnancy involved several appointments a month with bad news in every visit. However, as every day went by I fell more in love with my little man that never kept still inside me. He was my companion and I always talked to him when I felt alone.

When I turned 30 weeks pregnant I had two appointments scheduled that week. The first visit on Thursday was perfect, the baby was moving and doing ok. I saw him through the ultrasound and heard his heartbeat. That night I had a horrible migraine and could not sleep. At 5am I still could not sleep and I felt my baby move very violently I could feel it was a big move. The next morning I had an ultrasound at 9am, when the doctor turned on the machine she was quite and kept moving her hand over my belly over and over I could see my son but he did not move. I saw her face and I thought the worst, she asked how the appointment was the day before and asked if he had a heartbeat; I said yes.

She then said she could not find one anymore and she was sorry. Right away I looked at my boyfriend and saw his pain in his eyes. I only saw his pain and could not think of mine. I felt numb, I asked for some time to check in to the hospital so that my sisters could drive in to town.

2 days later I delivered Angel at 10am. I had some family in the room and allowed them to carry him and meet him. It was my turn and I held him for a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. The whole world stopped and I only saw him. I held him and talked to him as if he could hear and as if he was peacefully sleeping. I touched him and after a 30 minutes gave him back to the nurses.

The next day I had to leave the hospital and get my medicine for pain. I remember that as I spoke to the clerk I broke down and started to cry. The next day we went to the mortuary I still felt numb. I walked slowly and the world seemed to be moving slowly with me.

We made the decision to cremate our son and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I have saved everything I accumulated through out my pregnancy and I am very attached to it.

I don’t talk to many people about it when I remember him only my boyfriend who is now my fiancee.  I do not feel comfortable with how other people react, I think I make them uncomfortable. When I do talk to someone they all say the same things. I guess I don’t blame them what else can they say….

Today I carried my friends two month old for several hours. He slept on my chest, and I didn’t want to let him go…….. In a way I see my son in him