I’m Courteney and today I am telling my story for the first time.
In August 2013 I decided I was ready for a baby. In October I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed, excited and happy. I started to think about names and looking at what I could buy my baby. It didn’t even cross my mind what was to happen next. It was the following month and it was time for my first scan. I went into the room and got ready. It took about five minutes and then I was sent into another room to speak to another midwife, she told me maybe I got the dates slightly wrong, she said that happens all the time.
I remember her telling me to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
She booked me in for a week later for another scan. The next week came and I went for my second scan…my baby wasn’t growing, there was no change from last week. I was sent into a waiting room and I was left there for what felt like forever. Finally a nurse came and I followed into her room, she explained everything to me and told me what would happen, she told me there was several things I could do.
I was blank. I was then simply sent home, I was going to have my baby naturally as the other two options just weren’t right for me. It was now December, Christmas was going to be here soon…one night this excruciating pain just came over me and I couldn’t move. I was rushed to hospital. I had no idea what was going on, the nurse I seen at the end told me there wouldn’t be much pain so I was terrified. I was having my baby.
The rest was such a blur as I was given morphine for the pain. I was in the hospital for about 7 hours. Before I left the hospital a nurse came to talk to me and all she had to say to me was that I could now get on with my life and I was still young. I was shocked and heartbroken. I was in a small room by myself and I came across these two very small baby hats in a cupboard next to me and I kept one and took it home with me, I don’t know why but I did and it kind of helped looking at it and holding it because I didn’t have my baby to hold.
I am so happy to have shared my story, I hope many other women can do the same. I want to break the silence on this taboo there is with pregnancy loss. I want to change this and I hope in the future no one will have to feel ashamed, guilty or anything like that, it is something we should be able to talk about. Thank you for letting me share my story.
Photo credit: adapted from Sasha-citron-vert/Flickr