Greiving and Remembering

Three weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. Being 21, I was terrified, but amazingly, I was so excited. I couldn’t tell the father and the only person’s support I had was my mother’s. Even though I was overwhelmed and no where near being prepared, I couldn’t wait to hold my little penguin (what I called my baby) 7 months down the road.

Last week, January 7th, I started bleeding. That night, I went to the ER and they told me that even though I should be about 7 weeks pregnant, the sac was only measuring about 6 weeks along and there was no heartbeat. The doctor sat down with me and told me that the baby had died, and I was starting to miscarry.

She cried with my mother and me.

Four days later, on January 11th, I passed the baby. I’ve been crying for about a week straight now. I am thankful, if for nothing else, that physically, it was an easy miscarriage. No heavy bleeding, not even as heavy as a period, and hardly any cramping. I can only guess that it’s because I was still so early on.

Before going through all this, I never knew what going through a miscarriage meant. I thought it was something fast, something that happened all in one day. I never imagined that a baby could be dead inside of you before your body even realized it. Never thought about how it could take weeks to complete. I never thought about having to see the remains of your own child and just wipe them away with toilet paper and flush them away.  It is the most horrible feeling.

All women should know the possibilities and what it’s actually like to miscarry. There isn’t enough information on the internet and doctors don’t tell the whole story. So many people don’t realize that miscarrying hurts just as much as losing your 5 year old or 21 year old. To lose a child, is to lose a child, born or unborn.

I was so excited that I came across this website tonight and I feel like I can finally breathe, that I’ve found a support group. I’m currently trying to find ideas for a memorial tattoo. I’m trying to find flowers that represent a miscarriage, or loss. But just like going through a miscarriage, I can’t find any websites  that mention a flower that symbolizes this. Does anyone have any ideas?