Falling Apart…Inside and Out.

Rewind to January 2011.

I am 17, happily in the throes of young love, and ready to take it to the next level. In an attempt to be responsible, I go on Depo Provera well before having any sex. Things are marvellous and happy and I am about to graduate high school and I have a fun job and I’m going to college.

Several months pass.

Then comes the cramping and the blood that couldn’t compare to anything. I thought it was a result of my latest Depo shot, and then I found out that not only was I pregnant, I was 4 months pregnant, and miscarrying. I was terrified and confused and ashamed and SO GUILTY.

About 2 weeks later, my happy lovely marvellous boyfriend, her father, broke it off because I was going out of state for college.

Now, here I am, older,  still in college–living the dream, right? The depression has been terrible, the therapy isn’t doing much. I blame myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here getting an education while I could, by now, be at home, taking care of my beautiful baby, Jennifer. There is absolutely no communication between myself and her father, I suppose the ordeal scared him off. I have spoken with few people about the miscarriage, but everyone seems to respond the same: “You were too young anyway, you should be HAPPY that you get to go to college uninterrupted.”

Uninterrupted? Really? Because I would do anything to have saved that ‘interruption‘ had I even known what was happening.

I was recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the unknown pregnancy and miscarriage. I continue to feel alone. I can never stop asking myself questions upon questions upon questions.

The guilt is never ending. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I shouldn’t be here.

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