Faith Uplifted My Faith in God

It was a challenging obstacle when my daughter passed away on September 20, 2009. It was a Sunday. I never would have imagined that happening… I thought I would be holding my daughter the date of her delivery. That would have been on a Saturday in February. Instead, she is now resting in peace. She has become an angel of the Heavens. I’m happy and thankful that God will be watching over my child personally, but there’s that big part of me that wants her here. I wanted to be the one to hold her, kiss her, and tell her that her mommy loves her eternally. I am still able to tell her that. Just not physically… and that’s what hurts me everyday.

Abortions are done by a person’s consent. I never gave anyone my personal consent to take my child out of me. Yes, I did think and plan on having an abortion. I was there that day at the clinic ready to do so. I didn’t. I couldn’t, so I left. I decided to keep my baby. I thought I was weak for not being able to go through and abort my child. I realize that I’m one of the strongest people for not doing so. I was going to attempt giving my child a good life. Adoption did cross my mind at times, I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t. What crossed my mind was one of the strongest thoughts and decisions I’ve ever had. I’m going to keep my baby and do anything I can do give it a good life, even though I wasn’t prepared whatsoever. I was willing do to what ever needed to be done to help my child.

That day of the surgery, they told me my daughter couldn’t be saved. I was willing to give up my life for her, I would’ve done so. The doctors weren’t able to save her, yet they were able to save me. I appreciate that, but sometimes I don’t find it fair. I think that the doctors shouldn’t have saved my life… Simply because I wish they would’ve saved my baby’s over mine. I wanted her to have a chance at life. I did have my chance. She didn’t. At the same time I am very thankful and blessed to still be alive because now I can continue living in honor and love of Faith and God. I’m truly glad that my daughter is with my grandfather, Ito. Now she can experience the warmth and love he gave me as a child. I’m very grateful for that.

What hurts me still is that everyday I wake up, I still feel as if I’m pregnant even though I know I’m not. It’s hard to let go of that. I know in time that it will be done, but I still find it unbearable to know that one day I woke up pregnant, and the next day… I wasn’t. I think that’s that hardest thing to cope with and get past at this time. I know I’ll be okay. In time.

Everyday I prayed for a miracle. The miracle that I prayed for from God was that I will be healed internally so that I will be able to carry children. I prayed that I wouldn’t need the next surgery that was to be next. That was all I could do… was hope an dpray for a miracle. My faith was & is strong in our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ. I accept Him as my Lord and Savior. I know all I need to do is believe in Him. Keep my faith in Him. And I knew He will listen and be there for me. Just as He was there for my daughter Faith, my family, my friends, my love, his family, and of course, my sweet little pomeranian, Freddy. I prayed that I would be healed by Him. I praise and proclaim Jesus Christ in my life. That’s all I truly believed I needed to do, and I would be well if it was in His will. My faith in God allowed myself to be blessed by another beautiful daughter, Acacia who is now 15 months. ♥

Jennifer Castellanos