Devastated Does’t Being to Describe How I Felt

devistated doesn't begin to describe

I am 25 years old and engaged to a wonderful man.

I have had health issues since I was 14 years old. My fiancee and I recently decided to start trying to have a family. November 23, 2014 we were blessed with a positive pregnancy test! We were beyond excited!

Two short weeks later, I noticed a small amount of blood when I went to the washroom. I was currently seven weeks and four days pregnant. I went to the doctor and discovered that my beta hCG was not increasing like it should be and I was told that I would soon miscarry.

Devastated does’t even being to describe how I felt at that moment.

I was told that I was fortunate to get pregnant so quickly and that I could try again after one normal period. The emotions I felt at this time were overwhelming. I was sad/hurt/angry/hopeless. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I felt like a green-eyed monster around everyone that was currently pregnant with healthy growing babies. I was determined to try again as soon as possible.

February 24, 2015 I discovered that I was pregnant again. Again we were beyond excited, but cautious this time. We didn’t want to get our hopes up and have our dreams shattered once again.

Two short weeks later, I when I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant I noticed blood once more. My first thought was, “please God don’t let this happen again.” Went to the doctor and this time my beta hCG had already decreased a significant amount.

Two miscarriages in a row. Hopeless does’t even begin to describe how I felt at that moment.

We did everything right both times and it was taken before we could blink our eyes. Waiting to see a gynecologist now who hopefully can shed some light on why this keeps happening to us. Trying to stay positive and pray that we will eventually get our healthy baby. I told my mother it feels like you lose a piece of your heart every time  it happens. She told me that I have a big heart and to hold my two babies in it and that eventually I will get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms. She told me I am the strongest person she knows and not to give up hope.

Trying to stay positive and not let my grief overwhelm me.

— Anonymous

Photo credit: adapted from Ivo Jansch | Flickr


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