And That’s When My Heart Broke

And That's When My Heart Broke

I’ve read quite a few stories, just this sentence alone is starting to honestly kick my ass (pardon my French).

Well, I guess my story starts all the way back when I was 14, that’s when I started wanting kids — weird thing to want at 14, but being the eldest and having a broken family, it made sense to me.

At 17, I met the love of my life and we talked about our wants and dreams and agreed on one thing KIDS! We decided to start trying a month into our relationship, luckily it didn’t happen for another year and 5 months. Finally, on Thanksgiving 2012, I peed on 2 Dollar Tree pregnancy tests and in 30 seconds, I had 2 lines. We were ecstatic, the main topic of Thanksgiving dinner was my baby. Everyone was so happy besides my Dad, but I was barely 18 at the time.

I don’t remember when I found out the sex but I know he was a boy, we decided to name him Bryten Charles. We struggled financially, but we always survived. I had a pretty normal pregnancy, he was a kicker, started kicking at 13 weeks. Had a hell of a personality including was his daddy’s attitude. He love loud cars and momma’s rib cage. I puked A LOT and was in and out of the hospital due to worrying, dehydration and some serious braxton hicks.

The day I went into labor wasn’t any different, besides it was Cody s Birthday (my fiancee and father of my baby) — Bryten woke up when Cody did (in the middle of the day). We had a nice day even and around 10:00pm, I went into labor.

I waited about 2 hours to go to the hospital (making sure it wasn’t the braxton hicks playing tricks) and I got there around midnight. A cervix check confirmed I was 3 cm being only 1 cm days ago. Finally, at 40 weeks and 6 days I was in actual labor.

I was still in triage as they searched for baby Bryten’s heartbeat. First with the heart beat monitor, which he never liked those. He’d either fight them or run from them, I started freaking as they tried everywhere. Cody wasn’t as worried at that point, until they got the heart beat stick thing. Still nothing.

Cody just kept telling me everything’s going to be okay, and the doctors were getting frantic. I was in my head praying, praying that he’d save my baby, take me instead, I think I kept repeating “God, please save my baby!” over and over in my head as the ultrasound person with the handheld ultrasound device came in as she kept looking I started saying the phrase out loud the lady looked sad — Cody was in shock staring at me.

The ultrasound lady said something along the lines of” I’m sorry”, I didn’t quite hear. Time stood still. I didn’t feel contraction and we cried, apologized, held, until we just stopped. A nurse came in and asked if we needed anything — I asked for a phone. The first time I actually had to say it was on the phone with my mom. Thinking back I’m horrified by how I told her. I was calm but as I heard my mom’s voice say “hello” — I lost it. I think I part screamed and part blurted “my baby’s dead, Bryten’s dead” she wailed, mortified “what, are you serious, what?” I don’t remember much else about the conversation besides “I’m on my way”.

“But, still no sound, and that’s when my heart broke.”

Soon after I got off the phone they put me in a room, the nurse asked me if I needed anything, first thing I said was a cigarette she was sweet me and Cody went out for 2 cigarettes. Neither of us talked to much, we cried. On our way back in, Cody puked then seconds later I did as well. I wasn’t comfortable with death, it scared me. The whole time was morbid to me. After my cigarette, the doctor came in with the epidural, and it kicked in pretty fast. I may have slept before my mom came, I don’t remember. But, after she came I remember staying up till 6 in the morning.

I woke up around 8 and was starting to get uncomfortable, so I pressed the button on the epidural drip it went away but then I started getting full contractions. I called in the nurse to tell her the machine was broken, but I guess Bryten’s head was already popping out. Shortly, the Doctor came in and I was pushing for an hour — I prayed for a miracle held my breath for a cry. But, still no sound, and that’s when my heart broke.

The doctors took him out of the room immediately upon request. I wasn’t ready at that point — Cody went for a cigarette as the doctors took out everything. 30 minutes later, I peed as promised and was back in my own clothes and outside smoking 2 more well-needed cigarettes.

During labor they found the source of his death, his umbilical cord was wrapped 3 times around his neck and very tightly. When we finally saw him and held him and he was perfect my facial features with Cody’s lips and chin my big head and Cody’s long lanky features.

He was 6 lbs 6oz, he was beautiful. I wanted to keep him just like that, but I knew I couldn’t. We arranged to have him cremated, had him baptized by a preacher, and the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation” took beautiful pictures for free and the nurses made this amazing memory box, everything was so wonderfully, tragic.

I’ve done a lot in coping, I’ll never forget (couldn’t even if I tried) but I knew I still wanted kids. So I kept trying, 10 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again, but I miscarried at 5 weeks. One period later ,and I was pregnant again, and I miscarried again at 8 weeks. Honestly, I haven’t felt like a woman. I am on my 4th pregnancy about 8 weeks along and scared to death. And on top of that its almost Bryten’s one year birthday/ anniversary and I feel empty, and even les than a woman every day.

— Alleiy

Photo credit: adapted from damn_unique | Flickr

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