“You Should Be Used To This By Now”

It has been just over 3 years since this night happened yet I can still remember it as if it was yesterday.

I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant.

I was bleeding.

I was terrified of the possibility of this being my 11th miscarriage.

Eleven.

It was close to 9pm and I was instructed to go to the hospital where my current OB was – in a smaller town & a smaller hospital.

Looking for some reassurance. some hope that this was not going to end in the same way Triton had. That this red was not going to collapse me to the floor again. leaving me there unable to breathe.

I remember walking into the room and waiting for the doctor.  I had been through this before but it never got easy.  I knew what to hope for but was realistic on what to expect.

I thought.

My husband was with me & doing his best to keep me calm as the nurse came in and asked about what had brought me into the ER.

I was holding back tears.

She had left and it was nearing 10pm now and the ER doctor walks in.  i am shaking, visibly upset but holding it together.

He begins asking me the same questions.  how far along are you? when did the bleeding start?  how much bleeding?  are you in any pain?

& then the question comes…

Is this your first pregnancy?

No“, I say.  “This is my 13th pregnancy

:: blank stare ::

“yeah, I have had 10 miscarriages and 2 living children“, I add looking for comfort.

:: blank stare ::

The doctor clears his throat & I am clinging onto some hope he will be able to offer some comfort. Something to take away this fear.

He begins to speak the words that i will never forget…

Wow, well you should be used to this by now then.  There is nothing I can do for you so you should go home and sleep it off

Speechless.

Devastated.

Destroyed.

Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

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