“You Should Be Used To This By Now”

It has been just over 3 years since this night happened yet I can still remember it as if it was yesterday.

I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant.

I was bleeding.

I was terrified of the possibility of this being my 11th miscarriage.

Eleven.

It was close to 9pm and I was instructed to go to the hospital where my current OB was – in a smaller town & a smaller hospital.

Looking for some reassurance. some hope that this was not going to end in the same way Triton had. That this red was not going to collapse me to the floor again. leaving me there unable to breathe.

I remember walking into the room and waiting for the doctor.  I had been through this before but it never got easy.  I knew what to hope for but was realistic on what to expect.

I thought.

My husband was with me & doing his best to keep me calm as the nurse came in and asked about what had brought me into the ER.

I was holding back tears.

She had left and it was nearing 10pm now and the ER doctor walks in.  i am shaking, visibly upset but holding it together.

He begins asking me the same questions.  how far along are you? when did the bleeding start?  how much bleeding?  are you in any pain?

& then the question comes…

Is this your first pregnancy?

No“, I say.  “This is my 13th pregnancy

:: blank stare ::

“yeah, I have had 10 miscarriages and 2 living children“, I add looking for comfort.

:: blank stare ::

The doctor clears his throat & I am clinging onto some hope he will be able to offer some comfort. Something to take away this fear.

He begins to speak the words that i will never forget…

Wow, well you should be used to this by now then.  There is nothing I can do for you so you should go home and sleep it off

Speechless.

Devastated.

Destroyed.

Comments are moderated before appearing. Please note: your comment here may show up on your Facebook Feed.

Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

15 Comments
  1. There are no words to describe how angry this makes me. As if I needed another reason to hate doctors…

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with that at such a horrible time.

  2. I was at the ER just moments after being told that the 35 week old child inside of me was dead. My husband had just got there from work and we were sitting in a little cold sterile room, just staring at eachother, tears running down our faces…. an OB nurse came in the room and out of no where says… “You will want to get to the other hospital as soon as possible to deliver the baby, because it is starting to rot inside of you.”

    Speechless… dumb founded…. numb…. I couldn’t believe my ears!

    When we got to the other hospital… they gave me the option of being induced… or waiting up to two weeks for things to happen naturally….

    Some people just shouldn’t be in the patient care field.

    1. ♥ Aimee. I am SO SORRY. That is just – i have no words. I am so sorry. It is disgusting what was said to you. & you are right there are people in the health care field who should NOT be there!

      Sending you love friend.

  3. Oh my, I truly cannot believe that a medical professional would say something like that. I will say though that it is wonderful that you created this “place” where woman can go to find the comfort and support that they need… support that they may not be able to find anywhere else. I myself have not experienced this loss, but I do know someone who recently has. I’ve found myself trying to offer support, but unsure of exactly how to do it in fear of possibly saying the wrong thing. After reading some of these stories, I believe that I have a better understanding of what to do.
    I’m also realizing just how often people seem to downplay the loss and think that a woman should simply just move on. Congrats on your launch today, I think this is going to become an amazing place.

  4. Devan thank you so much for creating a site like this- it is so true- the words never go away. I will never forget lying on the sono table while my ob talked to the sonographer pointing to the picture saying “you can see right there where the amniotic sac has collapsed.” there are not words to make a woman (or her husband) feel better. but thanks to Devan there is a place where we can all comfort each other. we are all connected.

  5. Stories like this…of what awful, hurtful things are said to grieving mothers….they never cease to hurt. I am so lucky that I had a caring, compassionate OB to help me through both of mine.

    And I will never ever forget the “I’m sorry’s” that come when the truth becomes evident.

    sigh…

  6. Truly, most doctors and nurses have no idea what to do or to say. And their words are just as hurtful years later. I remember everything from every situation I found myself in. And only one nurse in all this time stands out as a compassionate being. One.

  7. Wow..that was harsh! Some doctors can be terrible. i’ve only had one miscarriage and i know it was hell. I pray never to experience that again and i don’t even wish it on my enemy. its a very painful and heart breaking experience. I’m still trying to deal with my emotions, i can only imagine how you must have felt hearing those words…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

Disclaimer

Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.