Our World Was Turned Upside Down, But We’re at Peace

upside-down

After losing my precious baby girl at 42 weeks I searched everywhere for information about how quickly people had their rainbow baby.

I am simply writing this to share with you my personal experience and to give hope to those who are searching. I had an emergency c-section after many hours of labor with my beautiful little girl. She passed away before I got to meet her since I was under anesthesia. She was a beautiful 9lb baby and seemed to bear my traits other than her toes like her daddy. I awoke as my husband sat in front of me sharing the news, but honestly, somehow in my heart I truly knew what happened before he told me. I cannot explain it but I truly knew it. The dear doctors really aren’t sure what happened and couldn’t attribute it to anything but we know in our hearts it was God’s plan for our family.

All you wonderful mamas that have gone through not only c-sections but also caring for a baby/babies afterwards, y’all are my heroes! My, was it rough just trying to heal while not caring for a baby. My husband and I talked for hours grieving the loss of our baby and discussing how close others had their rainbow babies. Although it was heart-wrenching to have our world turned upside down, we were truly at peace with God’s plan and we knew He had watched over us so far and would continue to and He would give us a baby when He knew best. He knew when my body would be healed and ready for the next baby to fill our empty arms, oh but our hearts were so full with the love for our baby girl. I know everyone has their own way of grieving but we wanted, needed, a baby to fill our arms. My baby girl was never far from my mind and always in my heart.

I tried to stay positive the entire time and always looking forward. Although there were some who wanted to know “what really happened” (which we ourselves aren’t sure) and told us we should be prudent and wait but they didn’t know the feeling, or those who came up with theories that circulated back to me only made me laugh. We were able to get through with so much love and support from most importantly my amazing husband, our family, community, complete strangers and and plenty of research such as BWF, forums, and blogs. I found it was indeed possible to try for a VBAC soon afterwards. 3 months, then, seemed like an eternity when I took that pregnancy test and found it to be positive. I cannot express to you the joy of having a sweet precious baby, once again, growing inside me. I stayed busy with everything I could, even moving out of our rental to a new house.

I found a wonderful OB that was all about me trying a VBAC although we, as a couple, decided if a c-section was necessary we would. Almost 12 months after the passing of our sweet baby on March 25, 2015 I went into labor. After a nine hour labor our beautiful screaming baby boy was born via VBAC! This was the happiest moment of our marriage! A day I shall never forget!

Both our children are always in my heart and on my mind. The birth of our boy has not in any way made me forget our little saint, oh no he has only brought us closer. Now when our baby boy cries to be fed at 2am it is my amazing husband that reminds me that we longed for his cry, blowout, and sleepless nights. It has taught me not to complain about those nights and a stinky diaper because we cannot take these moments for granted as so many of us do! I have learned our healing is not yet complete and will most likely never be completely the same. In his bedroom as I nurse him I am able to read over and over the quote on the wall that says “An angel wrote down my baby’s birth in the book of life, then whispered too beautiful for earth” and I find much comfort.

— MFK, The Little Marmee

Photo credit:  adapted from Infomastern | Flickr

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