I Will Never Get to Feel the Joy and Happiness of Having You

Dear Aiden Christen Covington,

I remember when I found out you were growing inside of me. I was still in Taiwan traveling aboard and there you were with me soaking in this wonderful experience that few get the chance to have. I remember being so scared and unsure how we were going to make it, but I knew I would find a way for us.

Unfortunately, I allowed the negative thoughts from people to engulf me and make me consider terminating your precious life that was shortly lived. I regret allowing them to tell me that we would not be successful. I am sorry, I allowed them to tell me you would ruin my life. I am sorry, I was mentally weak and allowed those people’s negativity cloud my mind.

Now, I will never get to feel the joy and happiness of having you. You will not be there when mommy walks across the stage, as I receive my diploma. I will never get to hold you. I will never get to hear your voice. I will never get to hear you say mommy or count to ten. I won’t get to experience the joy I would have had when you would have crawled and walked for the first time. I won’t be able to teach you to count to a hundred or teach you your alphabet. I won’t get to drop you off on your first day of school.

The night of September 24th until the early morning of the 25th, I won’t forget how bad I just wanted to sleep because I did not want my last memory of you to be filled with pain and sorrow. The only memory I wanted was on September 1st, when I saw your heartbeat, how fast and strong it was. I wanted to remember how emotional you made me and all the physiological changes I had experienced with you. I will forever be grateful that God blessed me with your brief presences.

I named you Aiden, because it means little fire and you will also be that little fire that burns inside of me that tells me to continue going and to never give up. You are an internal flame that will never die. Christen means follower of Christ.

Mommy will always remember our short time spent together.

Mommy loves you Aiden Christen Covington

— Single Mother

Photo credit: adapted from Shan Sheehan | Flickr

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