Why Doesn’t My Grief Count?

July 20, 2010. I completed a miscarriage my husband and I had known that coming for two weeks. My very kind OB/GYN allowed me to complete this naturally instead of a D&C as I had no signs of an infecti0n.

July 25, 2010. My sister delivered her beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Now, my sister knows loss like I don’t. Her first baby was also a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She died of SIDS at just four months old. I was twenty at the time and had no idea of the loss she experienced. I still don’t. What I don’t understand is why, because I lost my baby at 13 weeks that anyone would ever say “at least it was so early.” Or, because I already have two daughters, that anyone would say “at least you have other children.” Like if I totaled a car, “at least I have another one.” My girls are such a joy to me, but they simply cannot replace the child lost.

But the worst is having people compare our grief. Those who know we have both lost a child always assume that she must have grieved more. Maybe she did; but she also got to meet her child. She knows what her daughter looks like, she even knows that she had a daughter. I have lost a child not even knowing the gender. If this makes my grief less, I certainly do not feel that way.

I just wish people would think about what they say. That people would offer comfort, not to make themselves feel better, but to show that they actually  care and the my grief is justified. No matter how small the child is.

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