When it rains, it pours

I’m sorry! I was so desperately hoping that my posts would start getting cheerier, but I just can’t seem to catch a break this year. The more info I learn, the more it seems that the odds are stacked against me.

I’ve been so totally upset since the weekend. I’ve noticed that since the loss of our baby, when I get upset, its not just anger, but my stomach goes into knots for days, my body shakes and I’m almost scared of opening up email or answering the phone, for fear of getting upset even more. I find that I’m scared to even speak to the person who upset me and so I jump each time the phone rings. I’ve noticed that even days/weeks will go by and when an upsetting topic comes up, I feel tightness in my chest and arms all over again. I had gone to see a counselor twice, who assured me that I was dealing with my grief and that things will slowly start to get a little bit “better”, but I just don’t see it.

First off, the weekend started with getting invited to a family dinner for my aunt’s birthday, who was celebrating a milestone. Honestly, I didn’t want to go as I’m still upset that she hasn’t acknowledged our little angel. Now, I have forgiven her for it in my heart, as I can’t change what she did or didn’t do, but forgetting, that’s the harder part. But I agreed that I’d go, put on a good face and do the “right” thing. This was going to be even more complicated by the fact that my husband wouldn’t be coming with me as he would still be at work, so I’d be facing this situation on my own.

A few days later, I went to see Dr. F, our fertility doctor, to figure out next steps. As a reminder, we had gone to see this physician as we weren’t able to conceive for over a year, then a few months later, after trying for approx 18 months, we were finally pregnant, only to miscarry that baby. Its now been about 5 months since our loss and again not much is “happening”. I went alone this time, as I figured that Dr. F would give me a drug of some kind to help me ovulate and we’d be trying again this month. Within minutes, Dr. F was saying that drugs wouldn’t work as he felt I was in fact ovulating (by looking at various pieces of info, including my BBT charts), and that we should be looking at injectable meds and IUI. WHAT??? I had no idea we’d even have this discussion.

We had never really talked about assisted reproductive technologies. We never thought we’d be talking about IUI or IVF. We never thought we’d be one of “those” couples! I mean this is something that every living creature can do, so why can’t we?? My head is still swimming just thinking about it. I wonder if we really need to think about IUI or if Dr. F just wants us to do a treatment for which we have to pay. How many IUI’s would we do? I don’t know. Would we go to IVF if IUI doesn’t work? I don’t know. I always felt IVF was not for us based on my Christian values, as I could never flush embryos down the drain, but now, I don’t know. Would we actually consider IVF? I think that if we did, I’d end up as the next Kate Gosselin with 6 or 8 kids. There is so much I just don’t know!!! My husband and I to sit down one of these days, watch the Fertility video that I was given, and then have a conversation about how far we’re willing to go.

My head hurts, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I’m drowning in info. The bad news just keeps coming, and coming, and coming.

Joanna

A mid-30's Catholic female, lucky enough to be married to her best friend, Freddie, since 2007, mom to an angel baby and chronic back pain sufferer of almost a decade.

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