When it rains, it pours

I’m sorry! I was so desperately hoping that my posts would start getting cheerier, but I just can’t seem to catch a break this year. The more info I learn, the more it seems that the odds are stacked against me.

I’ve been so totally upset since the weekend. I’ve noticed that since the loss of our baby, when I get upset, its not just anger, but my stomach goes into knots for days, my body shakes and I’m almost scared of opening up email or answering the phone, for fear of getting upset even more. I find that I’m scared to even speak to the person who upset me and so I jump each time the phone rings. I’ve noticed that even days/weeks will go by and when an upsetting topic comes up, I feel tightness in my chest and arms all over again. I had gone to see a counselor twice, who assured me that I was dealing with my grief and that things will slowly start to get a little bit “better”, but I just don’t see it.

First off, the weekend started with getting invited to a family dinner for my aunt’s birthday, who was celebrating a milestone. Honestly, I didn’t want to go as I’m still upset that she hasn’t acknowledged our little angel. Now, I have forgiven her for it in my heart, as I can’t change what she did or didn’t do, but forgetting, that’s the harder part. But I agreed that I’d go, put on a good face and do the “right” thing. This was going to be even more complicated by the fact that my husband wouldn’t be coming with me as he would still be at work, so I’d be facing this situation on my own.

A few days later, I went to see Dr. F, our fertility doctor, to figure out next steps. As a reminder, we had gone to see this physician as we weren’t able to conceive for over a year, then a few months later, after trying for approx 18 months, we were finally pregnant, only to miscarry that baby. Its now been about 5 months since our loss and again not much is “happening”. I went alone this time, as I figured that Dr. F would give me a drug of some kind to help me ovulate and we’d be trying again this month. Within minutes, Dr. F was saying that drugs wouldn’t work as he felt I was in fact ovulating (by looking at various pieces of info, including my BBT charts), and that we should be looking at injectable meds and IUI. WHAT??? I had no idea we’d even have this discussion.

We had never really talked about assisted reproductive technologies. We never thought we’d be talking about IUI or IVF. We never thought we’d be one of “those” couples! I mean this is something that every living creature can do, so why can’t we?? My head is still swimming just thinking about it. I wonder if we really need to think about IUI or if Dr. F just wants us to do a treatment for which we have to pay. How many IUI’s would we do? I don’t know. Would we go to IVF if IUI doesn’t work? I don’t know. I always felt IVF was not for us based on my Christian values, as I could never flush embryos down the drain, but now, I don’t know. Would we actually consider IVF? I think that if we did, I’d end up as the next Kate Gosselin with 6 or 8 kids. There is so much I just don’t know!!! My husband and I to sit down one of these days, watch the Fertility video that I was given, and then have a conversation about how far we’re willing to go.

My head hurts, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I’m drowning in info. The bad news just keeps coming, and coming, and coming.

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A mid-30's Catholic female, lucky enough to be married to her best friend, Freddie, since 2007, mom to an angel baby and chronic back pain sufferer of almost a decade.

  1. Joanna, I have been down the same road as you and it not easy you never forget as time goes by it get’s easyer you have good days and bad days I stll do and it’s been 8 years for my husband and I….I lost my First child at 5 1/2 mths from S.I.D.S sudden infant death syndrome ….and the 2 years later we tryed to have more children and it was not working so we went to a ferility doctor they ran some test put me on some meds to stimulate my eggs. We did that for months and the result was inconclusive. That is what I didn’t want to hear I was so angry and upset… I blammed anybody I could… I saw a counselor to talk about my problems and she made me realize that my mind and body was not ready for another child yet…The thing is that you have to deal with this loss first before you can have another child. And so we did …. we went back to the fertilty doctor and were successful at getting pregnant this time around but something didn’t feel right from the start. We did the IUF and from the day i went home i kept saying there’s something wrong . I started bleeding a lot so we called the fertility doctor and they said sometimes you will bleed just keep a close eye on it and if it’s really red to come in… Well weeks had past went to the doctor to confirm if i was carrying a child.. and I was not one but 2 twins… My Husband and I were shocked but really happy.. the down side was i was still bleeding. I got into my 4th month and then I miscarried we were crushed… I thought this is just our luck we were never going to have children again and there was just a black cloud hanging over us… Why us ? Why me? Why? that’s all i could say..months had past and we decided to try IVF and we are christian’s and my In laws were so aginst us doing this but when you long for a child you would do just about anything to get it. We decided to proceed it anyway’s despite our religious believes…And we were successful we were so happy but we were cautios the entire time of me carrying the baby.. We had our son Colby Nov.7,2006 and he had 10 fingers and 10 toes he was perfect. Now he’s 4 years old I’m so glad we made the choice to go with the IVF … After having my son Colby I got pregnant by myself with no help i didn’t even know i was carry a child intill i went to the doctors for gaining some weight and to my surprise I was 3 months along. We had Hunter Feb.10,2008 … So just to let you know anything is possible never give up!! you never forget but you need to learn to let go cause you not going to concive intill you deal with the problem… Good luck to you and I wish you and your Husband the Best…… ~Amber~

  2. Hi Amber,
    Thanks for sharing your story with me, it gives me hope that we’ll be parents somehow. The above post was written in January, so I’m not as stressed as that month, but the stress clearly affected me as I didn’t ovulate in February at all. We’ve made the decision to take a break from the clinic, do things on our own and get a second opinion before going forward. It’s a tough choice, it really is. The cost of the treatments could put us halfway to adoption, so there is that to consider as well. Too many choices! But I’m secretly hoping that this month will be our lucky month…keep us in your prayers.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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