What Should I Have Done?


I had a miscarriage in October, 2010 whilst at work. I had no idea I was pregnant at the time and I just thought I was having particularly bad period pains (I’m use to them!) I went to the toilet and there it was. Wrapped in the tissue in my hand, it was too big and too obvious to be anything else but the shock of it just left me starring at it for what felt like hours. I had no idea what to do, I was just transfixed by it’s black eyes and all the organs I could even see through it’s translucent skin. There was nothing else I could do at the time but just flush it down the toilet! ūüôĀ

I just carried on life as normal, the only person¬†I’ve¬†ever told was my partner who was rather dismissive to be honest and then we split up shortly after anyway. Unfortunately only weeks later my sister announced she was pregnant and of course she goes on to have a healthy baby. So it becomes harder and harder to tell anyone and now the longer and longer I leave it the less and less real it becomes and the harder it is to tell anyone. Recently though I have been able to confide in a therapist and it’s only now¬†I’ve¬†discovered that the size of it would have meant I was a fair way through my pregnancy! I had no idea and the guilt and the devastation just seems to be exploding all of a sudden.

I should have done something different shouldn’t I? I’m worried now that as I didn’t go the hospital or anything I might have gotten an infection or that I should have done something with it. It’s eating me away that i just flushed my baby down the toilet.

It’s been helpful reading posts on this site though and my love and sorrow goes out to everyone else who’s been through this and I hope that someday I can learn to deal with it like people on here have. xx

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