What Should I Have Done?


I had a miscarriage in October, 2010 whilst at work. I had no idea I was pregnant at the time and I just thought I was having particularly bad period pains (I’m use to them!) I went to the toilet and there it was. Wrapped in the tissue in my hand, it was too big and too obvious to be anything else but the shock of it just left me starring at it for what felt like hours. I had no idea what to do, I was just transfixed by it’s black eyes and all the organs I could even see through it’s translucent skin. There was nothing else I could do at the time but just flush it down the toilet! 🙁

I just carried on life as normal, the only person I’ve ever told was my partner who was rather dismissive to be honest and then we split up shortly after anyway. Unfortunately only weeks later my sister announced she was pregnant and of course she goes on to have a healthy baby. So it becomes harder and harder to tell anyone and now the longer and longer I leave it the less and less real it becomes and the harder it is to tell anyone. Recently though I have been able to confide in a therapist and it’s only now I’ve discovered that the size of it would have meant I was a fair way through my pregnancy! I had no idea and the guilt and the devastation just seems to be exploding all of a sudden.

I should have done something different shouldn’t I? I’m worried now that as I didn’t go the hospital or anything I might have gotten an infection or that I should have done something with it. It’s eating me away that i just flushed my baby down the toilet.

It’s been helpful reading posts on this site though and my love and sorrow goes out to everyone else who’s been through this and I hope that someday I can learn to deal with it like people on here have. xx

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  1. You did nothing wrong! You didn’t know! I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. May you be blessed with peace and know that we share your grief.

  2. Oh, dear. I wish I could give you a hug.

    I think your reaction was normal and perfectly fine. But do take time to grieve. Mourning is such an important part of the journey.

    May you someday find the redemption of your pain. <3

  3. I don’t think you did anything wrong. It feels like such a terrible thing to say but I also had to flush my baby down the toilet at the end, but I didn’t have the courage to look. I question that decision every single day, wondering if it would maybe have helped bring me a sense of closure.

    Grief is a difficult thing to experience and explain, but I do know how difficult it can be to go through on your own. Besides myself and emergency room doctors, there are only two other people in this world that know I had a miscarriage- my mother and the father of the baby (the two of us are no longer in contact). I hope that you are able to find your way through your emotions and that each day gets a little bit better.

  4. I recently discovered, at 17 weeks, that my baby had no heartbeat and had died around 11 and 1/2weeks . I was given pills to induce contractions and sent home, being told that I would have what would seem like a heavy period and pass ‘blood clots’. I barely bled at first, but after a few hours of serious pain, my water broke and I passed the baby. I didn’t expect, and wasn’t prepared to see an actual tiny little baby in the toilet, and I didn’t know what to do. Even though I was aware that I was in the process of induced miscarriage essentially, I couldn’t seem to comprehend seeing my tiny, undeveloped baby. I ended up flushing the toilet after grieving for a bit and sobbing, telling this baby that couldn’t hear me that I was sorry. I was afraid to touch it, to hold it, to pick it up, because I was afraid I’d never be able to let her go.(I didn’t know the gender, but I have lately been imagining the baby as a girl). I have been struggling with that feeling for the last few days since it happened, I have felt calm, justified, guilty, disrespectful (this was a baby, not a gold fish!) and absolute utter sadness and loss. At the time, when faced with the decision, I couldn’t process or even comprehend all of these feelings, but I am trying to come to terms with what has happened, and what I have done, and realize, that in those moments of utter shock and instinct, my heart, my brain and my body allowed nature to take over and led me to do what I must have needed to do in order to cope.
    Please try not to feel guilty for this. I know I have, and I still do sometimes, but hearing someone else struggling with this same moment of turmoil is helpful. You aren’t alone, there are others who have felt like they tossed away something so important and life changing, but the truth of it is, the memory of a lost baby, of a child you never got to know, will always remain in your mind stronger than anything, and that is something that lasts. It has helped me a bit to speak out loud to my baby ( I spoke to ‘her’ 9 week ultrasound photos), but it might help you to write a letter. I told ‘her’ everything I felt, sorrow, confusion, and ultimately guilt, I told her I was sorry, and it is s

  5. (whoops, glitch) …..It is slowly helping me to have more and more moments of clarity in my days. You did nothing wrong. Not only were you even less prepared for the trauma than I was, but you didn’t even have time to come to terms with being pregnant at all. I’m so sorry for you loss, just know that you’re not alone. I hope we both can heal.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.