Twenty Years Have Passed Since My Miscarriage

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My story started back in 1994 when 1st found out I was pregnant.

We were both overjoyed, I was married at the time & we had been trying. I had an early show at 6 weeks pregnant and went for check all was OK but the doctor, who was so insensitive, said as I was walking out of the room, ‘ there’s no guarantee that you won’t lose the baby’!

At 12 weeks went for scan & was told couldn’t get accurate reading so to come back at 16 weeks. My mum kept saying to me you don’t seem excited but it’s like as if I knew something wasn’t right.. On Valentine’s day 1995 my life was about to come undone 🙁 We went for the scan & were told couldn’t find a heartbeat, my heart I think turned upside down. The words any parent would dread. Our baby boy had died but was still inside me and had to make that awful choice to take the tablet to then go back 2 days later to deliver Ryan. I remember having a bath the night before going in & breaking down thinking what if they’d been wrong about no heartbeat & because I’d now taken the tablet I’d killed my baby. It’s horrendous the thoughts & pain that we all feel.

Two days later I went back to hospital and gave birth to my baby boy Ryan, my ex-husband saw him but I chose not too. He had nightmares after I just wanted to picture him in my mind.

20 years have past now a lot has happened since that date. I went onto have 2 healthy daughters but had severe depression 5 years ago and walked out on them & my now ex husband.

I don’t think I ever got over the loss & I have never shared my story in writing it has stayed with me. I love my 2 daughters with all my heart and miss them everyday. Sadly no happy ending for me with them, but I am now with a very understanding partner and trying to get on with my life as best as I can.

Big Hugs to all us families that have been torn apart with grief. xx

— Jules

Photo credit: adapted from rabiem22 | Flickr

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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