To My Twinkling Star Charlie

Twinkle Twinkle Little star
how I wonder where you are
You were never meant to be
Oh how I wish you were growing inside me

Twinkle Twinkle in my eye
You tore my heart out the day you died
A little grey blob on a screen of black
when the nurse told me I tried to hold the tears back

Your sister asked ‘Mamma is it bad?’
I could not speak I was so sad
‘No sweetheart’, I heard myself say
‘The baby’s an angel we will see again someday’.

Your father so strong, stood by my side
As I hung my head and just cried and cried.
Twinkle Twinkle the pain inside me
As I signed the paper, I’d have a D’n’C.

Oh dear God its a mistake It cant be real
Torn up, grief stricken, I didn’t know how to feel
Then the blood came and you gave me your sign
I’m not there Mama, I’m in Heaven and I’m fine.

Twinkle Twinkle I dream of you,
Everyday I wish this was not true.
I feel you near me little one
Especially when I sit alone in the sun.

I would have loved to hold you baby,
All this longing is driving me crazy.
With all my soul, my mind and my Heart
I loved you Twinkle right from the start.

When I see you again I’ll be your mother
I’ll hold you and love you like no other
But until that day my Twinkling Star
I hope you are happy wherever you are.

I lost my little baby at 8 weeks but carried him for 14 weeks. I had a D’n’C three days before Christmas. i’m still reeling from it and finding it difficult to pull myself out of this black hole Ive fallen into. and Im being really terrible to my fiancé and he really does not deserve it. He has been amazing to me. Im just reaaly really angry and really really sad.

I was just wondering if anyone else has lashed out at their partners after this and if so when does this stop? I feel like I am loosing who I am. I am so glad I found this site as I felt I was screaming this pain at the top of my voice and noone was listening. Terrible that so many people have gone through this but great to feel Im not the only one.

Thank you

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Mother of Saoirse and Méabh and my little one in heaven Charlie x

  1. Dear Kazza – after I lost our angel, there were times when I didn’t think I was angry, but would get into a heated discussion and just lose it! It happened a few times with my husband and a few times with my mom. I knew I was out of line, but I couldn’t control it. I ended up writing each a small note with an apology and they both understood that it wasn’t the usual me lashing out, but rather a grieving mother.

    I lost my baby in August, so I’m a few months ahead of you in grief. Different things work for different people. Counselling can help, reading grief books, doing a bible study or joining a live chat. I found it most helpful to talk to my husband and share my feelings. It really helps me to know that we’re grieving together and that it’s US against the world.

    Wish I could hug you – as you’re not alone!

  2. Of course, yes, there are others (like me) who have lashed out at their partners. Who else is close enough to be a punching bag, but loves enough to understand where the pain is really coming from. As for when it stops, I’m afraid I have to say it doesn’t. Little by little, you re-learn how to be in the world again. Not the ‘you’ you’re used to, but the new you. The one who has this pain and has changed because of it.

    1. Thanks Ladys and I think we all need a hug sometimes. My man and I had a good chat the other day and I think i might be starting to get a handle on it but its still early days. But Im taking the plunge and going to see a counsellor so hopefully that will make things a bit easier. X

  3. xoxo time will heal but you will not forget. on my way to the hospital for my dnc, i looked out my window and saw a shooting star. i will never forget that either.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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