This year’s Valentine’s Day

{Editors Note: This was written for Valentines Day – sorry it’s taken so long to publish.}

Today is a day that is supposed to be filled with love, hearts, candle-lit dinners, wine and that special someone to be my Valentine. Today is supposed to celebrate love, happiness and that special bond that you have with your partner. Today is supposed to be all about US.

But this year, I just don’t feel it. Somehow, I’m totally focussed on next month, early March, and I can’t help but think about where we’d be at this time, who we’d have with us and how our lives would be changing soon. I can’t help but feel a loss, as if my heart was broken, even though I have Freddie by my side. We did talk about it, and it seems that I’m not totally alone in feeling this way, Freddie also isn’t in “the mood” to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year. We even went to the store yesterday to buy each other a card, and it was kind of stupid as we both stood there, showing each other what we would have bought each other. In the end, we decided that it was silly to stand side by side buying each other a card – we love each other and we know it, we don’t need a card to show it.

I’m sitting on the couch now, my cat happily sitting on my shoulder, “helping” me write this post (or maybe she can read? ha ha). I don’t know if this feeling of a broken heart will pass, I’m told it will with time. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be fully happy again, as I think this sadness will linger in the background, somewhere, always. I know that its also complicated by the fact that we are having no luck in the TTC area, and so the possibility that our future may not include children is certainly becoming more and more real with each day. I know that my “daily stresses” have increased recently as I’m not only dealing with my daily pain, but with the introduction of new meds I’m experiencing “breakthrough pain” more often and its hard to deal with. I’m angry at myself for gaining 6 pounds – oh I know how I did it, I get upset and I soothe myself with Lindt chocolates. I’m stressed about the situation with my grandmother, who was admitted to the hospital last week for a cardiac episode. Although she is better, she is 90 and needs more care than we can ever provide, yet there is a difference of opinion about her care and that is creating a family wedge. In case you are wondering, yes, you are correct in assuming that my aunt/godmother, is creating this wedge once again. I’m also worried what the future holds for me professionally – will I be able to go back to work? Or will I have to stay on sick leave and give up all that I’ve worked for? I know that I have a lot of stress on top of my daily pain and illness – but will this ever really change?

I just feel sad. I just feel lonesome for what could and should have been. I feel a little hopeless. I feel scared of the future. I feel like my extended family is crumbling – but I do know that through it all, Freddie is right there with me and I’m so extremely thankful for that. Through thick and thin, he’s there to support me. He loves me, even when I have a bad day and I’m being difficult. He asks how I feel and we often speak of our angel. Freddie hasn’t allowed the memory of our child to fade or diminish with time – and I love him so much for that. So although we won’t have a special dinner tonight, as I’m not feeling great today, we will tell each other how we feel, as we dine on left-overs. Then some other night we’ll have a romantic dinner. The actual date doesn’t really matter, as we make sure to tell each other multiple times a day how much we love each other and to express it as well with hugs and kisses, or just holding hands while watching TV. I’m lucky to have married my best friend, but I still feel like there is a piece of us missing.

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