The Story of My Littlest Angel

My name is Tina. I am new here and I wanted to share my story with you. I found out that I was pregnant on March 17th. I had no idea so it was quite unexpected . I have had normal pregnancies in the past so i called everyone up to tell them the exciting news. Everyone was shocked and excited for us. I went out the next day and bought a package of socks and washcloths for the baby. I was feeling great. No morning sickness. I called my gyn to set up an appointment to get checked out. They scheduled it for the following week.

One day at work, I felt some fluid come out. I didn’t think anything of it so i continued to work. But then i felt more. I went into the bathroom and saw some blood. I panicked and called my Dad at work to tell him. He said that if i wanted to get checked out, he would take me so i didn’t have to bother my husband. I told him OK. I called my husband to let him know that I was going to get checked out but it was nothing to worry about. My husband must have panicked because he called the ambulance from his work. It really wasn’t necessary but they insisted on taking me down to the ER. So reluctantly, I went.

For about 5 hours, I laid in the ER bleeding on and off without anyone coming to check on me. Finally, my husband went out there and gave some hell to one of the nurses. She informed them that they had more serious cases to deal with. Well to us, this was serious. After all, it was our child’s life that was at stake. Finally it was a shift change and our new nurse came in to check on me. The first person all day. She asked when i went for my sonogram and when we told her that I haven’t even been checked out and that i have been laying in blood all day, she said she would be right back. You can hear her yelling at the nurses demanding to know why I was never brought for a sonogram. Within 10 mins of that, I was brought in.

The tech did an internal sonogram but there was no sight of the baby. He said that if it was an early pregnancy, that it probably wouldn’t show up right away. I got back in my room and the ER doctor came in to tell me that I was indeed pregnant as my numbers were more than doubled. Since at this point I stopped bleeding, she thought it was just breakthrough bleeding and to follow up with my OB the next day.

The next day, I called to make an appointment. They had me go in that day for a check up. They did blood work and a sonogram. Still no sight of the baby but my numbers continued to go up so they wanted me to back 2 days later for another HCG level and sonogram. This continued for well over a week with no sight of the baby but the numbers continued to go up. My doctor thought I had a tubal so he wanted to give me a shot to terminate the pregnancy. I said no. He said that he would go in laproscopically to see if the baby was in my tubes like he feared because there was a huge blood vessel on the tube which he thought was the blood supply to the baby.

So, within an hour, I was in the OR. I asked my doctor to please stay away from my uterus if the baby wasn’t in my tubes because i wanted this baby. He assured me he would. I woke up from surgery to be told that the baby was not in my tubes and that I was still pregnant. I was so happy! When they were wheeling me out to the car, I kept telling my husband, parents and sister that everything was alright. Instead of sharing in my joy, they all seemed pretty upset. I couldn’t figure out why.

3 days later, I woke up to bleeding very heavily and passing tissue. I yelled to my husband in a panic and called my mom. She said that she was coming over. She came with a Tupperware dish. I asked her what it was for she said that my doctor wanted me to bring the tissue in. I asked her how she knew because i haven’t talked to my doctor yet, and at that point she said, Tina, the baby isn’t going to make it. The doctor told us the day you had surgery. He didn’t want you to know because he thought you were to fragile. I said but mom, the baby isn’t in my tubes, she is fine. She said i better call my OB to let them know. They told me to come right in. I got ready and we were there within an hour.

They did a urine test which showed red blood cells but they said it was from bleeding. They did another sonogram and still no sight of the baby. All of a sudden, we heard a heartbeat! My mom and i looked at the screen and there was this perfect little baby! Heartbeat was 128 BPM! I started crying tears of joy and my mom started laughing. We were so happy.

The sonogram tech said Tina, the baby isn’t going to make it. It has implanted on your cervix. At that point she said that she had to get the doctor and she would be right back. My mom had a blank and concerned look on her face. I kept repeating that everything was alright and that I was so happy to see the baby and we had to call my husband and Dad to let them know .She said that we should not call anyone until we found out what was going on. I insisted. I called my Dad at work and told him that we saw the baby and the heart rate was 128 and that she was perfect! My mom wanted to talk to my dad and she told him to get down there and to pick Shawn up because I was going to lose the baby. I said that they were wrong.

I looked around the room and there was blood everywhere. But i was still in denial. I know what I saw and it was a perfect baby with arms and legs and a heartbeat. The doctor came in and checked it out. He told the nurse to get the OR STAT because i was in danger of bleeding to death. The put me in a wheelchair and started running. I was clutching my baby’s picture begging God to please spare my baby and not to let them do this to us.

My dad and husband arrived at the hospital and I looked at my dad and I said “Daddy, they want to take my baby, please don’t let them daddy please. He said Tina, we don’t have a choice. The baby isn’t going to make it. The next thing I knew, I was in the OR. I begged the anaesthesiologist, my doctor and nurses to please not do this. My baby was still alive. My doctor said that i was bleeding to death and I would not make it if we wait. Next thing I know, a nurse was pushing on my neck and they had a mask on me putting me to sleep. I woke up after and started screaming. I was heartbroken and filled with guilt and hate. I hated my doctor, I hated my family, I was devastated that my baby was gone. My doctors both came in to do a sonogram to “make sure they got everything”. They had a grief counsellor come in to see me and they allowed my entire family in the recovery room. I was so devastated beyond words.

This was 4 years ago on April 2nd.

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I am a 33 year old mother of 3 children and 1 little Angel in heaven. I have been married since 1997

  1. It is very slow. There is not a day that goes by that i dont think of her. The anniversary is coming up in less than a month. I have recently had a baby girl and My OB said that her birth was a trigger for my grief because i was in denial and shut off those feelings. So I do have PPD. I was diagnosed with Post partum phsychosis after her death. The one thing that helps me is going to the cemetary. We have her buried ontop of my grandparents next to my sister. We named her jamie after my sister. The pain hasnt really lessened in these 4 years. It seems like the guilt and despair are as vivid as the day it happened. Thank you so much 🙂

    1. I think it’s great that you named her and were able to bury her. So many times, hospital interventions don’t leave that opportunity, at least at the early stages (which it sounds like you were, sorry if I’m wrong on that). That is one of the reasons I chose not to have a D&C with my missed miscarriage – I wanted to have her and the chance to bury her. I also find that naming them helps with the loss.
      I know that one can never heal completely scar free from these experiences. I still miss my babies, think of them often, and occasionally have my arms ache with longing to hold them. It’s not unusual for me to pray that my hugs and kisses make it to them. I miss them more than anything. But, I think healing can happen. The pain recede, the anger fade, and the guilt be released. It is usually a very long process, and not normally a straight line.
      I know it doesn’t help much, but I think if we hear it often enough, it can start to sink in. You are not guilty. You loved your child, and you fought for her. It is not your fault that she was dying or that she died.
      I know that everyone has different beliefs, but I believe that my little ones are in heaven and it gives me hope to think of them, happy and free, and contentedly waiting for their Mama to come and dance with them.

  2. Losing a child is so hard Tina – I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I don’t think we ever heal from grief – I think that is changes, maybe isn’t so raw or ever present, but I really think that it’s always there. I read a quote somewhere that bring me a little bit of comfort, that grief is the price we pay for love – and it’s clear that you loved this baby. I’ll be thinking of you tonight.

  3. Thank you Devan and Joanna. Its nice to be able to post my story and actually have people who truly understands what i went / am going through. I am so sorry for your losses as well. (((HUGS)))

  4. Believe me, I fought with the hospital to get the remains. It took 2 days and then when the undertaker went down he was sent back home. Finally after close to a week, we were able to bring her home. The undertaker was amazing. He did not charge for the service, or the casket that he made special for her. He lined it with white satin and he made a tiny pillow. I remember going to the funeral home after she was there and holding the casket. I sobbed knowing that was the first and last time i would be able to ever hold her. I wanted to look at her but the undertaker told me that it was best that i didnt. I wont go into details as to what they did. To this day, I have become friends with the undertaker. He is a friend for life

    1. That’s amazing that the undertaker went through all of that for you. I’m sure it was an great help to you at that time. I’m so thankful for the few people who recognize our grief as a real loss.

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