I have to admit, I did wonder why we weren’t getting pregnant when I first went off the pill five years ago. I also have to admit, that I was thrilled every month when I got my period. Even though I loved my husband and wanted kids with him one day, at the time, I wasn’t ready to settle down, and I wasn’t ready to give up the life that I knew and loved for someone else, especially not a needy baby. After three years of “not, not trying”, we decided we were ready. It didn’t take long before that positive pregnancy test showed up, and I wondered if maybe all the years previous we were just having sex on non-fertile days. We were thrilled, and I was terrified, briefly mourned the loss of the cold summer beer I had been looking forward to for a few days, but mostly I was thrilled.

It was the perfect time to be pregnant. We were in the process of moving to another province, and by the time the baby was due (on my deceased father’s birthday), we would be all settled and ready to be a family. Since we had already been planning starting a family, I already had a birth plan in mind, we had names already picked out, and our future parenting style was already discussed and decided on. We started looking for midwives and birth pools and friends and family told us they’d come visit us once the baby was born, if only to get away from the snow and the cold.

Then, on Canada Day, right before we were going to watch the fireworks, I started to bleed.

The details of that first loss, are so horrible, I am not able to write or talk about it in great detail.  It wasn’t just the physical and mental issues that come with miscarriage, it was the way I was treated by the people who were supposed to be taking care of me. Other than one nurse who was absolutely amazing to both my husband and I, I was treated very poorly by the staff at two different hospitals. They were cold, and talked down to me, were physically rough with me and kept me waiting when they didn’t need to. But I digress.

Needless to say, we took the loss hard. It changed us. We are not the same people we were before it happened. How can you be?

Since that first loss, we’ve been pregnant a few more times. We no longer get excited at the sight of a positive pregnancy test, we just murmur a few things like “Here we go again”, and “Hopefully it won’t take too long this time” and go to the walk in clinic. A few days or a few weeks pass, some tests are run, and then I spend a few more weeks bleeding. A few more holidays, other than Canada Day and my father’s birthday, have been tarnished due to miscarriage, most notably St. Patrick’s Day and Thanksgiving. I have to wonder if picking these dates is the Universe’s way of not letting me forget. That’s me, always looking for a reason.

I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that it just might not happen. We just might be a childless couple. I lay awake imagining what our life will be like. It won’t be much different. We’ll still enjoy life, as we do now.  We’ll travel and party and hike with the dogs, garden and make things and work our dream jobs from the dream home that we will build and eventually move somewhere tropical, living out our days in the sun and the sand,with a nice cool beverage in hand. We’ll get to be an aunt and an uncle, and godparents and the cool old people who tell your kids all about the stupid things you did when you were their age. I’ll never have to worry about giving up my cold summer beer, or sushi, and we can pick up and go whenever we want, or stay out all night,  because there won’t be any kids holding us back. It’ll be a great life, because we’ll be together, doing our thing. It already is our life.

But I fear that I will always feel like I missed out on something. Like I was left out, wasn’t invited to the special party that all the other girls were invited to. I already feel that way. Most people just has to have unprotected sex to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. Me – I gave up so many things, changed so many habits. I’ve given up cigarettes and I’ve started exercising more. I cut back my caffeine intake. I try to eat gluten-free and organic whenever possible. I rarely drink alcohol. I take my vitamins. Hell, I even stopped using plastic wrap, Teflon and margarine just to be safe. I track my cycle, and we’ve succeeded in making sex a chore, something that I never wanted to happen, and here I am, watching everyone else have “happy accidents”, over and over and over. Some of them plan it, and get it right on the first try. People who I thought never even liked children, are popping them out left and right. All of them are happy, and hopefully they know how lucky they are. I just hope that one day, I won’t be so angry and jealous, and can be truly happy, and not fake happy, for my family and friends who are procreating, because if we ever do get to have our baby, I want them to be happy for me.

It’s still up in the air. No one has said that we can’t have children. No one has found any reason why we haven’t, or can’t. Four different doctors have diagnosed me with “bad luck”. I’m not sure what the cure for that is, I might have to refer to some ancient texts.

I feel like something is going to happen soon. We’re going to find out either way. We need to find out either way. I need to get back to living life the way I should. I need to be able to properly deal with my anger and my depression. I need to be happy again. I need to be able to have some sort of life plan.

I need to get off this roller-coaster.

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11 Comments
  1. Thank you so much for posting this, you were able to put into words a lot of things I am feeling!
    I have been pregnant, and miscarried, twice (and it sounds like you have experienced this at least a few more times than I have), but my husband and I already said the whole “Here we go again” thing the second time.
    I understand what you mean about worrying about feeling left out, and how others just seem to pop out babies with the greatest of ease. I am certainly not at the place yet where I can imagine enjoying a childless life. I do hope that if that is what the future holds for us, I can view it the same way as you already do.

    Basically, just wanted to thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in the way I am feeling and what I am going through.

  2. Thankyou for posting this , as someone who was once told I was one of lives unexplained by a consultant , I can understand how it must feel for you .I had five miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and eventually made the decision to stop as it was so awful .Dealing with childlessness was even worse .Eventually we adopted two little girls , it was the hardest thing I ever did . They have now grown up and we are learning to be just a couple again and enjoying the Peace . My oldest daughter is now pregnant and I start another journey in June .Life can be tough I hope you can find some peace in yours . I am happy for you to email if it ever gets too much . Take care Fiona x

  3. I am sorry for your losses. So sorry that you have had your hopes crushed time and again. It’s not fair. I suffered 5 loses between my son and daughter and was also told it was bad luck. I eventually tried ‘baby aspirin’ (low dose apsirin) and low and behold we got our daughter. Not a magic wand but some research has indicated it has favourable results. My consultant said ‘It can’t do any harm and it may just help’. I hope find your happy ending soon xxx

  4. I’m sure that your doctors have done this, but just making sure you have been tested for all the clotting disorders out there. Blood thinners and daily aspirin have helped many of my friends and me to achieve successful pregnancies after loss.

  5. You may have already had this test done, but i wanted to mention it just in case. After 4 miscarriages and months of testing and specialist, i found one good doctor who listened and looked at the facts and she knew what was wrong before she even got the blood work back. I ended up having MTHFR, 2 strands, 1 strand is a very common gene mutation, even one strand can cause miscarriages and other pregnancy complications. I had one son(living), 4 miscarriages, and 1 daughter(living)& just miscarried again in March. I have found my MTHFR was not being managed well and i need higher doses of methyl- folate and to stay on baby aspirin. I use both of these regardlass of pregnancy. MTHFR affects the whole body and not just pregnancy.It is not well known among doctors yet. There are some specialists out there you just have to search for them.

  6. I’ve had 3 losses myself due to “bad luck” and DH and I think we’re finally going to start trying again. Reading your post really helped. Hearing that I’m not the only one who can’t help but be angry and jealous when everyone around me seems to get (and stay) pregnant and I cannot. Thank you for sharing. I hope things are looking up for you.

  7. This has been a rough month. Another would have been due date passed, 4 friends had babies this month ( still waiting on one who is overdue). Having trouble even coping with all the happiness around me. Any doctors we see don’t think we need to go on drugs, or do IVF or anything, and that it will happen naturally, so I feel we’re at the end of our road physician wise, especially since I don’t have a family doctor. The last specialist said not to bother calling unless I got pregnant. Ugh.

    It was a very hard decision, but on Mother’s Day, we’ve decided to stop trying. I was SURE I was pregnant, all the same symptoms as before, but I wasn’t “late” yet, so we didn’t test. Woke up that morning to my period, and we both had a complete breakdown. So we decided, no more ovulation kits, no more apps on my phone, no more planned sex. Going to keep taking my vitamins, exercising and eating as organic and yeast free as possible just because it makes me feel good, not because it will help conceive a child.

    It’s rough. On one hand, I’m very happy with our decision, because after 5 years of this, I don’t want to do it anymore. One the other hand, I’m not a quitter, so giving up is hard to do. It’s either going to happen, or it’s not, but I just have to get back to living my life, not waiting for a certain life path to happen.

    This whole site is amazing, I come here everyday to read about others struggles, to get advice. I feel comfortable here – and I have a feeling I’ll be needing it even more in the next while. Thanks to everyone for their support, and for sharing and making me feel like I’m not alone.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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