The Odds Are Still on Our Side But…

strength

My husband and I have been trying since August to have a child.

We have had 4 early miscarriages (almost every other month).  I am trying to be hopeful because the odds are still on our side, but the idea we might not have kids is killing me.  The thought of the ones we have lost is breaking me.  Many people (including doctors) don’t think it is that big of a deal because they end so early, but my heart breaks all the same.

I’ve been told “it is only hard because you don’t have any children” or “well, if this had happened years ago you probably wouldn’t have even know you were pregnant since testing has gotten better”.  I’ve been kind of dismissed that my grief is nothing compared to others who were farther along.  But I think it is, I didn’t get to see my babies.  I barely got to get used to the idea of being pregnant, but I did get to experience horrible cramps and bleeding and despair.

To add to it my sister just had a baby, whom I love and adore, but being around her is heart breaking. We haven’t told most of our family and very few of our friends.  Part of me is OK with that because I can’t imagine telling everyone every time a miscarriage happens or explaining all the testing we have done, but at the same time, I want everyone to know so they will stop asking me when we are having kids.

I have been so distracted at work I feel bad for not doing my best work and same with some of my relationships.  Without my husband I would feel so alone.  He has been great but has been trying to’be strong’ instead of letting me know what he is feeling.  We are working through it but it has been hard.  We are just trying to stay optimistic and I know we just need to keep trying (we have some different supplements after testing was done now too) but the idea of trying and losing another one is too much.

Not sure how to find the strength to keep going.

— Katy

Photo credit: adapted from CS_McMahon | Flickr

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