I found out I was pregnant in a very strange way.
My husband at the time had come home after being on his third tour to Vietnam — he was in the Navy. I had a Dalkon Shield implanted as I got very sick from the birth control pill. I had become nausious and was spotting for quite a while. The doctor told me that I was inconclusively pregnant — I figured you either were or you weren’t. He told me he would take out the Dalkon Shield, but if I were pregnant, I wanted the baby.
I spotted off and on throughout the pregnancy, but one day I called the doctor because I was spotting heavily. He ordered a medication called Provera and I started hemorrhaging that night. The baby’s heart was still beating and they took me to the Caedar Sinai hospital where I went through 17 and a half hours of hard labor.
I was all alone and I delivered my baby by myself. I didn’t realize it was the baby at the time as my blood clots were huge. They were very busy at the hospital that night. A nurse finally came in and through my baby in a throw up tub. I didn’t know whether it was a boy or girl. I was 21 and had a daughter who was a year and a half old. I asked the nurse if I could see my baby and she just took the baby in the tray, showed me and left with the baby. I was left for an hour and a half before they took me to have a D&C and clean me out after having my baby.
The first thing my doctor told me at my check up was to quit being depressed as I could always have another baby. The first 5 days after miscarrying, I just wanted to die. I have never been so depressed in my life. I had a hard time caring for my living daughter. My sister brought me a book on Praising God.
I did over come the depression, but inside I kept wondering whether I had a boy or a girl. The doctor told me it was too soon to know. I can’t believe how naive I was. As I have aged, I figured it had to be a girl or I would have seen a boys genitalia. So, in my 50’s, I named my little girl Jennifer Lynn. That was the name I had picked out if it were a girl. I also miscarried in 1990 when I was six weeks along.
I do have two beautiful healthy daughters and three beautiful grand-daughters. I am so glad they have a way for women to share their loss. I am now 62 years old and how I wish they had this when I lost my daughter. No one understood the pain you go through and the suffering you go through alone. Thank you.
Photo credit: adapted from ºNit Soto | Flickr