Thank You

I came across this site, as I wanted to get some support, some feeling or sense that I wasn’t alone…and I have read many comments and stories and have been brought to tears.

My story sounds similar to many of yours; our pain so deep, real and horrible.

I was told that I would possibly have trouble falling pregnant…and had an appointment for IVF pre booked for the end of April… we were getting ourselves ready for going down this path… but kept trying naturally in the meantime. To our surprise I found out I was pregnant on April 4th… it was the most amazing feeling I have ever had in my life. My husband couldn’t stop smiling for days! I was finally pregnant!!!

This only lasted about 2 weeks until I had to get a scan, when the doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat or determine how far along I was. The panic set in, for the next 3 weeks, 4 internal scans later, we were told the pregnancy was not viable. Our baby, the little thing that was growing inside my tummy, our source of happiness and joy, how we had grown so attached to it — it was all gone in seconds. Then there was the wait.

I was told the best thing that could happen to me was to naturally miscarry, but in case that didnt happen D&C was booked. We waited a whole week. My heart sank every time I went to the toilet…every cramp I thought I had… it never happened and on Friday May 3rd, we had our baby taken from us. I will never forget this day.

It feels like my heart was ripped out during this operation too. It has left such a hole in our lives. When I came out of the operation, I was put in recovery to only be put next to a mother who had just had a C-section to deliver her second healthy baby boy. My nightmare wouldnt stop. I have constant reminders of babies and pregnant people in my life; this is proving to be very difficult to deal with and to avoid.

I know we will get there eventually, but right now it feels like our whole life has been taken from us. In a matter of weeks, it graced us with its miracle and then it was gone. I feel like my family have no idea what we are going through. All I wish is that they respected our feelings and our decision on how we choose to cope with all of this.

My heart goes out to every woman who has experienced this. Right now I know I am in the middle of the grief. I can’t see the light as yet- but I am hopeful, I am still standing and I am determined to be a mum.

I don’t wish a happy mother’s day this week, instead I wish all mothers with or without their babies, a day of positive reflection, a day of love, support and a reminder of how important and special we were to have had moments of sheer happiness at the thought of having a child and carrying this child for how ever long we could have.

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Louise M

Social Worker, Melbourne, Australia. I'm an IVF baby myself..and have begun my journey in becoming a mum; just like my mother before me... it is proving to be difficult and heartaching...

2 Comments
  1. I am so sorry for your loss! and trust me i know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes, having gone through two D&C operations in two years (the last just three days ago). Perhaps it is the last thing you want to hear at this point, but it really never gets better. When i was told my second baby had a heartbeat, my first thought was for my first baby who could not get that far. In a couple of months time, my husband and I shall try again for our rainbow baby, but i worry that my consecutive missed miscarriages will not let me bond with that baby whenever he/she chooses to arrive.
    all the best to you!

  2. I started out trying to be really optimistic about “it’s going to be ok”… But at times, I find myself struggling a lot to see others pregnant- I stare at them ..and all that goes on in my head is, “this should be me, not you”.. I feel so terrible but can’t shake those thoughts.
    We’ve just started trying again, and I can’t help think that I won’t attach to it like I did with my first- in fear it will happen again- it just feels like a horrible cycle..and that it will only end once I have a baby born healthy in my arms..that seems really far fetched at the moment

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