Surviving Miscarriage

Motherhood was supposed to come easy to me. It was my plan to be a mother since I was 5 years old and had it published in my yearbook when i was in kindergarten. It was my dream.

Never did i think the path to motherhood would be the most painful, lonely journey i had ever been on. That i would have to fight, struggle to breathe, be picked up off the floor but come back from it all with 3 healthy and beautiful children.

I have had 10 miscarriages. In 6 years.

Honestly, it is still a bit of a blur to me. I never gave myself the permission or time to grieve. I was focused on having full term, healthy children and to figure out how to make that happen. I was on a mission. I pushed past the pain.

Avoided it. Ignored it.

It has been almost 2 years since my last loss. I am still daily dealing with the pain and loss and I have learned a lot through this journey. One of the biggest things I learned is miscarriage is not talked about a lot. It seems to be some sort of secret. Like some unspoken rule in society that miscarriage or baby loss are not to be talked about,pushed under the rug. I can understand because it is painful, but why does this grief have to be hidden?

It is real. It is painful.

Not talking about it and not having anyone to turn to made me feel quite isolated. Alone. I felt like I had to hide my grief because it didn’t seem acceptable to people. To be sad about someone ‘I’ve never met’. I was under the impression people expected me to ‘get over it’ quickly.

I couldn’t. I can’t.

It is getting better. Not every day or week is an emotional one. There are some times in the year that will always be painful for me and I take note of those dates and prepare myself for them. Due dates, delivery dates, test dates are always difficult for me. Sometimes there is no trigger or date that will bring up the grief, it just happens. I allow myself to feel it and give myself that time. I also have amazing support. My husband is right in this with me and held me and cried with me and gives me this time.

I am healing. On my own time.

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Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

3 Comments
  1. Oh how true this is. Society tells to get over it, hide the fear, anxiety and grief. We’re told to just get pregnant again, soon you’ll be happy. Focus on your healthy children here, I’m told. Stop trying and be grateful for what I have.

    So I’m forced to ignore the pain or mourn in silence. Such a sad situation to be in, truly heart breaking.

    Thank you for sharing, for exposing your grief so that others may come along side and feel at home in their grief.

    Krista

  2. Thankfully, everyone I’ve come in contact with since “announcing” our miscarriage at 11 weeks has been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful 14 year old daughter and fought with the decision to have another. I always wondered if my husband just “went along” with this decision, but the night I came home from the hospital after my d&c, he ended up sobbing in bed next to me. It was at that moment I realized how much he truly wanted this baby! Before my miscarriage, I signed up for a class to crochet a baby bunting. The class started a week and a half after the d&c and I debated on not going. I tearfully told my husband, “Now I have to go to a class to make a present for our baby that died!”. He told me not to think of it like that-to make the bunting for our next child, who will live. That made it a little easier. 🙂

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About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.