Motherhood was supposed to come easy to me. It was my plan to be a mother since I was 5 years old and had it published in my yearbook when i was in kindergarten. It was my dream.
Never did i think the path to motherhood would be the most painful, lonely journey i had ever been on. That i would have to fight, struggle to breathe, be picked up off the floor but come back from it all with 3 healthy and beautiful children.
I have had 10 miscarriages. In 6 years.
Honestly, it is still a bit of a blur to me. I never gave myself the permission or time to grieve. I was focused on having full term, healthy children and to figure out how to make that happen. I was on a mission. I pushed past the pain.
Avoided it. Ignored it.
It has been almost 2 years since my last loss. I am still daily dealing with the pain and loss and I have learned a lot through this journey. One of the biggest things I learned is miscarriage is not talked about a lot. It seems to be some sort of secret. Like some unspoken rule in society that miscarriage or baby loss are not to be talked about,pushed under the rug. I can understand because it is painful, but why does this grief have to be hidden?
It is real. It is painful.
Not talking about it and not having anyone to turn to made me feel quite isolated. Alone. I felt like I had to hide my grief because it didn’t seem acceptable to people. To be sad about someone ‘I’ve never met’. I was under the impression people expected me to ‘get over it’ quickly.
I couldn’t. I can’t.
It is getting better. Not every day or week is an emotional one. There are some times in the year that will always be painful for me and I take note of those dates and prepare myself for them. Due dates, delivery dates, test dates are always difficult for me. Sometimes there is no trigger or date that will bring up the grief, it just happens. I allow myself to feel it and give myself that time. I also have amazing support. My husband is right in this with me and held me and cried with me and gives me this time.
I am healing. On my own time.