Struggling For Support

I have just found this site, and after reading and adding  a comment I felt like I needed to post my experience in a place where I know there is support.  I feel the need to vent some of my frustrations that have come from insensitive comments to my loss.  I have two wonderful children, aged 10 and 4, and am 35 years old.  My first miscarriage occurred a few years after my eldest was born.  I had a second miscarriage last October, and a third this past week in March.

I am tired of feeling pressure from people when they make comments telling me I am older, ready to stop trying now, “is your hubby going to get snipped now?”  I even had one co-worker who knew of my last loss, begin to laugh and said, “oh dear you two just need to stop having sex!”  She then proceeded to laugh, I have no idea why, and I always found her to be so nice, I was truly shocked.  My boss was supportive when I had to take the time off last October, this time she called at the end of my sick leave, and said, “so is it done?”  Prior to that she reminded me she had never given birth, though is an adoptive mom, and this she explained was why she asked about how a miscarriage happens.  She asked details around bleeding and cramping, etc.  It just seemed she felt I had reached my quota for time off, and miscarriage or not it was time to get back.  A few weeks after my loss in October, she had blasted into my office, and said, “so D & C’s you are the expert, how long does someone bleed after one of those?”  I am grieving now, and feel resentment that people do not recognize the significane of this loss.

I felt pregnant, I was looking forward to telling my children, my husband and I were making plans for our new baby, and was thinking of names.  I miscarried at 11 weeks, and was just getting ready to share our news.  I have two children that I love, and a third baby was a blessing that would have been wonderful.  I just needed to post, and let my story out.  I was holding it in.

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  1. jbee,

    I am soooo sad to read what you have been through. Others’ ignorance seems so harsh to us and I have to remind myself all the time that they just have not been there and don’t know. I feel at times I should carry a book for dummies on miscarriage so I can just hand that to them instead of trying to explain what cannot be put into words. Do not hold it in, and whether it is once or ten times it is never “easier”- loss is loss. I sit here and wish I could just hug you because I know. Just breath. *hugs*

  2. I’m sorry that someone would be that rude to you. It is NEVER anyone’s business if you have 3 children or 30. I get asked all the time when we are having kids (by strangers) since I am 35. They don’t know we have a daughter, she is in Heaven.

    Boss or no boss, I would say I wasn’t comfortable talking about it. And you are NOT an expert that is is a horrible horrible thing to say!

    Gentle hugs to you. If you ever want to talk email me.


  3. I am so sorry for the insensitivities that you have endured. My husband and I just lost our baby at 9 weeks and we have been searching for the whys, hows, and what nows that you seek after miscarriage. If there is ANYTHING positive that comes from this, it will be that I will cherish every minute of the next pregnancy (I was a whiney, cranky pregnant girl and now I feel guilty about it) and I will know what to say and what not to say when others face this horrible tragedy. The world is honestly ignorant. I used to be that person who said things like “you didn’t even know the baby” or “you can just try again”. In the aftermath of a miscarriage, I am amazed by the depths of my own grief. The excitement was real, the bond with my baby was real, the overwhelming need to protect it was real and, unfortunately, the devastation when I couldn’t protect it is undeniably real. I hope you find a way to forgive those who are saying things out of ignorance (for your own sake) because until they walk in those miserable shoes they truly will not understand. Best of luck in your journey through healing.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.