“What if something is wrong??”
I forgive my intuition for hijacking this short lived pregnancy.
The stark chill of SILENCE.
I forgive the ultrasound technician for avoiding my gaze and not answering my questions as she passed the wand over my expectant body.
“It looks like there is no heartbeat. We can schedule you for a D&E right away.”
I forgive the doctor for his utter lack of basic emotion.
Raw, uncontrolled SOBBING.
I forgive my body for breaking down.
“It’s only been a few weeks…”
I forgive God/life/fate for positioning this loss right after the devastating loss of my too young and too beautiful cousin.
“You’ve just woken up from your anesthesia. It’s all over.”
I forgive Time for not gifting me with enough of itself to know this baby.
The CH-CH-CHATTER of my teeth as I took myself to the emergency room in a highly febrile state three days later.
I forgive the various people in the hospital who couldn’t seem to help me get help when I so desperately needed it.
“An infection has spread throughout your body due to products of conception remaining from your D&E procedure.”
I forgive my OB-GYN for making me her seemingly 1 in a million statistic for a common surgery gone wrong.
“You will get through this.”
I am thankful for the nurse who gave me excellent care, but more importantly the warmth of empathy and perspective over the course of my days in the hospital.
The quiet footsteps of my husband moving around my hospital room in the middle of the night.
I am thankful for my husband who never left my side.
My determined footsteps as I put one foot in front of the other.
I am thankful for my body’s ability to heal.
“When you finally become a mama, this will all have been worth it.”
I am thankful for my mind’s ability to focus on what is most important.
“I see two lines! I’m pregnant!”
I am thankful for God/life/fate’s gift of second chances.
The indelible sweetness of Baby’s first cry in this world.
I am thankful for the powerful realization that I would go through all of this one million more times, as long as it led me to this moment.
I forgive whomever made miscarriage a taboo subject.
I am thankful for not believing in making a subject taboo.
This post is dedicated to all of the mamas who have been here – those who have their babies – and those mamas who are still waiting to meet their babies.
originally posted here