Shattered Dreams

I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I’m suffocating..wondering how this could happen to me.

I am the face of 2nd trimester loss.

I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family.

I’m 36 & after 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasn’t ovulating. We found the cure but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments including hormone injections.

My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! good ol’ pregnant me!

I took such good care of myself. Maybe even being too cautious, calling the doctor about every pull, pinch, feeling, etc. At 15 weeks, I began to spot. I went to the ER, where they ran every test known to man. Me and my baby were OK! No real explanation as to why I was spotting.

A week later – at 16 weeks, my water broke late at night.  I went to the ER and they sent me home saying there is nothing they can do. I went to my OBGYN at 7:30 the next morning and she confirmed I was in fact going to lose this baby. I had lost all my amniotic fluid and by now the bleeding was heavy. There was no way to save this baby.

She sent me to the hospital to be induced. The thought of giving birth was overwhelming and terrifying.

At 6:30am- Saturday September 22, 2012 I gave birth to my miracle dream baby all by myself in my hospital bed. Screaming and crying, waiting for the doctors to come rushing in, It happened all so fast. Within 3 major contractions. There was no time to call for help. My husband lay there holding me, praying to take my pain, and watching his wife cry so uncontrollably, that there was no consoling me. I felt everything. What I just had experienced was never something I should have. I just prayed that this baby did not suffer.

We chose not to see the baby nor find out the sex. To us, we wanted to keep the vision of our healthy peanut moving around happy and healthy just like we saw on the ultrasound. The sex didn’t matter either way. It was our baby. I never imagined it could get harder..but it did.

Signing a death certificate, agreeing to an autopsy, calling a funeral director, and ultimately leaving the hospital without my baby. I found out a week later that the placenta showed an infection. It’s mind boggling to figure out where I would have picked up an infection? How did my body not protect this baby?  The day I gave birth and my baby passed away is the day a big piece of me died too. Here i am, sitting in this bed, Crying that I’m here and my baby is there, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to protect my baby.

I’m shattered. God made me work hard, gave me my dream, and took it back. I ultimately need to lean on God, but right now, I’m angry. How can I go through this again? How can I go through another pregnancy without fear? This was MY turn. Hoping for a Rainbow baby after this storm.

My angel born and handed over to God  9.22.12

Anxiously awaiting my RAINBOW BABY

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