Shattered Dreams

I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I’m suffocating..wondering how this could happen to me.

I am the face of 2nd trimester loss.

I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family.

I’m 36 & after 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasn’t ovulating. We found the cure but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments including hormone injections.

My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! good ol’ pregnant me!

I took such good care of myself. Maybe even being too cautious, calling the doctor about every pull, pinch, feeling, etc. At 15 weeks, I began to spot. I went to the ER, where they ran every test known to man. Me and my baby were OK! No real explanation as to why I was spotting.

A week later – at 16 weeks, my water broke late at night.  I went to the ER and they sent me home saying there is nothing they can do. I went to my OBGYN at 7:30 the next morning and she confirmed I was in fact going to lose this baby. I had lost all my amniotic fluid and by now the bleeding was heavy. There was no way to save this baby.

She sent me to the hospital to be induced. The thought of giving birth was overwhelming and terrifying.

At 6:30am- Saturday September 22, 2012 I gave birth to my miracle dream baby all by myself in my hospital bed. Screaming and crying, waiting for the doctors to come rushing in, It happened all so fast. Within 3 major contractions. There was no time to call for help. My husband lay there holding me, praying to take my pain, and watching his wife cry so uncontrollably, that there was no consoling me. I felt everything. What I just had experienced was never something I should have. I just prayed that this baby did not suffer.

We chose not to see the baby nor find out the sex. To us, we wanted to keep the vision of our healthy peanut moving around happy and healthy just like we saw on the ultrasound. The sex didn’t matter either way. It was our baby. I never imagined it could get harder..but it did.

Signing a death certificate, agreeing to an autopsy, calling a funeral director, and ultimately leaving the hospital without my baby. I found out a week later that the placenta showed an infection. It’s mind boggling to figure out where I would have picked up an infection? How did my body not protect this baby?  The day I gave birth and my baby passed away is the day a big piece of me died too. Here i am, sitting in this bed, Crying that I’m here and my baby is there, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to protect my baby.

I’m shattered. God made me work hard, gave me my dream, and took it back. I ultimately need to lean on God, but right now, I’m angry. How can I go through this again? How can I go through another pregnancy without fear? This was MY turn. Hoping for a Rainbow baby after this storm.

My angel born and handed over to God  9.22.12

Anxiously awaiting my RAINBOW BABY

Comments are moderated before appearing. Please note: your comment here may show up on your Facebook Feed.

  1. Sending hugs, I also had a second trimester loss. I lost my twins at 19 weeks on 11/14/09. I remember how tough the holidays were after my loss, please take care of yourself and if you need to skip a party or two please do it.

  2. I too lost my son at 19 weeks on 08/31/12 due to an infection. Like you it to 6 years to finally conceive. My only dream in life was to be a mom… I share all of your feelings… Please know you are not alone

  3. OMG, I went through the same thing, only 2 small differences- I was 20 weeks and we chose to know the sex; a boy we named Drake. It was November 2011- now 37 and no success still yet I live in fear and still mourn every day for him. The first 6 months were hell, it slowly got “better” but as my friends who have had losses say it never really goes away and no child in the future fills that spot our little angels had. All this sounds scary to me but I haven’t given up completely and I am so thankful for a husband who reminds me every day he didn’t marry me to “breed” as some put it, he married me because he loved me and if kids were in the futre great- if not, he still loves me for who I am! The infection was never identified, the autopsy showed that he was perfect- and I felt the same as you “my body failed my child”…it is a heavy burden we put on ourselves and I can only say this now over a year after our loss- it was nothing you did. You are not alone and this is not the end of us as women, you are stronger than you know and we here are all by your side. Scream when you feel the need, cry for hours, days, months or years if you have to; all of this is normal and don’t let anyone tell you it is not and that you should “get over it” and move on. Only people who have never had this horrific experience could ever say such a thing. We lost our “pregnancy innocence” as a friend of mine said once before going on to have a healthy baby girl 2 years after her 2 miscarriages…it rings true- we will never be the same and if we do get pregnant again our days and nights will be filled with fears. It is not fair but it is the cards dealt to us- don’t fold the hand you hold now, keep letting the bets raise and I will pray for you every day. *HUGS*

  4. I’m reading everyone’s comments,wishing I could tell you girls someday it might go away but 19 years after I delivered my first baby who was stillborn at 22weeks, I still think about her everyday.Cry often when I’m alone…. I ended up having 2more miscarriages , then finally had my first baby 14 years ago my daughter who was born with down syndrome. Sense then had two more both boys one who had a lot of delays and sense has been diagnosed with ADHD and has some social quirks and language delays. I beat myself up almost daily for thinking I somehow have done everything wrong. The pain is almost to much to face sometimes, but life goes on and so must I, I suppose. My advice don’t feel ashamed or like you shouldn’t cry. you should, your baby was and is a real person. You experienced a real lose, unless somebody has experienced it themselves they will never understand. Oh, and I did everything perfect with all pregnancies ….. (pretty much anyway except for my last one and he was born just fine)….. Which goes to show you we as moms did not do this, and had no control . I pray we all find comfort in Gods arms. Surely he understands, as much as I struggle with blaming him too that’s all we have. I hope to see my three kiddos I never met here in heaven someday.

  5. pPROM at 24 weeks.. bedrest for 40 days in the hospital. She was born and die by emergency c-section, Hypovolemic shock- maternal fetal hemorrhage the death certificate said. They were busy, and she was in distress and they didnt know it. I too had a infection so the placenta said.. but no fever.. She didnt have enough blood in her body for them to do CPR.. 5 minutes, I laid there listening to them try to save her.. She was due 7/16…
    I still need to pick out her headstone. So very very sad..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

About Unspoken Grief

Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.