Reliving the whole thing over again

Today had to one of the hardest days in the last few months. Last week, one of the girls that works for me found out that she was pregnant. She made her appointment to see the OB to get prenatal care. I saw her today.

I asked her how her appointment went and she told me so so. I asked her what she meant and she informed me that she was going to have an abortion. She is already 8 weeks along. They will be doing this in 2 – 3 weeks. Her entire 1st trimester will be close to being done. I felt like i got punched in the gut and then I started to think about my Angel.

I did not have a choice but to terminate. The choice was taken out of my hands and the guilt I feel in tremendous. My baby was dying and would have been dead within a few minutes and i would have been dead as well. Her reasoning is that they just don’t want a baby. All I keep thinking about is that she is selfish. Does she not realize how precious life is? Does she not realize what so many women have had to endure and how many losses we have had to go through?

The tears and heartache is just too much to bare and then to hear that she will terminate just because makes me so sick. I have been in tears most of the day praying for this child. I cannot believe how strong this feeling is. I wish she knew what she will be giving up. Human life is nothing to take for granted. I would do anything to have my child back. It makes it so hard to even be around her right now

{Editors Note:  Please don’t make this into a pro-life/pro-choice conversation.  Facing someone who is making a decision to terminate their pregnancy for whatever their personal reasons are is a common trigger for many miscarriage survivors}

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I am a 33 year old mother of 3 children and 1 little Angel in heaven. I have been married since 1997

  1. Those little triggers are in so many places. The editor is very right in saying this isn’t a pro-life vs pro-choice conversation. It seems so unfair that someone who doesn’t “want” a baby can have one (if they want), while others who desperately desire a child are left with empty arms.

    My heart hurts for the person who has to watch the situation from the outside… and for the girl who is making some very tough decisions.

  2. Awww … sending hugs your way … its such a hard journey we walk. And yes it seems so unfair that some women can get pregnant and unpregnant as they will, and then there are some of us who want so badly to have a healthy baby and pregnancy … and for whatever reason we can’t … nothing fair in that!!! Nothing at all! I wish there were words that could help … I wish I could somehow make sense out of this even in my own mind … but after 4 losses I realize I can’t and that this side of heaven I will just never understand.
    Sending prayers and hugs your way.

  3. I am so sorry, It is hard enough knowing someone is pregnant around you, but that they just don’t want the baby. I feel terrible for you, and for that innocent baby.

  4. I am having a really hard time being around her. I am her boss so its not like i can get away from her. She told me that they are terminating next Thursday. I just do not know how to deal with this. This really brings me back to that day and knowing that this baby isnt being protected, like my little one wasnt. I do not remember this feeling of grief being so overwhelming since my loss. Just writing this has me in tears. I am constantly thinking about her baby. I honestly do not know how I can remain civil or professional with her.

  5. I have been having dreams about being back at the hospital reliving what i went through and the worst dream of all is being at the wake of my 7 month old. I honestly do not know how to cope with this. I have fallen into a depression. I just dont know how to pull myself out of it this time

  6. Dear Tina,
    I can’t even imagine being in that situation. I think you are doing the right thing in praying for this child and praying for your employee, that perhaps she will have a change of heart. I don’t know how well you know her, but you could always politely ask if she had considered adoption as an option. But you are correct, there isn’t much you can do but be stuck reliving your own grief. Have you considered maybe speaking with a friend or a counsellor? Please take that with the love that is intended – I don’t mean that you NEED to see someone, but if you feel that this may be dragging you to that dark place that you and all of us BLM.s have worked so hard to get out of, then perhaps a little help might make it more bearable.
    I’ll keep you, your employee and this baby in my prayers as well.

  7. Joanna,

    Today, she terminated her pregnancy. I had to leave work early because i could not pull myself together. I cried for over an hour straight. I do think that I need to go back into counseling. Thank you for the support

  8. Oh my gosh Tina! I’m so terribly sorry to hear this. I’ve been praying for that baby and your employee each night, hoping that she would change her mind. I’m so sad to hear this news. If you need to chat, feel free to email me: ChronicPain at

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