Real Advice: “What Do You Wish More People Knew About Loss & Grief?”

Real advice is where we ask you, the community what helped in real life. Your advice and tips instead of the “expert” opinions from someone who may not have had to live through it. We pose a question on our Facebook page and look to you to help those looking for real how-to advice. 

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What do you wish more people knew about miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or perinatal grief? A piece of advice, a tip, fact or myth-bust? Facebook

That you dont get over it! Talk about things like why milk may come in, PND, PTSD , and set up on-going suport for family, and you shouldnt have to be hidng away in hospital when you have your little angel.  – Miriam

Patience and understanding. Not everyone grieves the same way or in the same time frame. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to hurt. – Beth

I wish people understood that just because miscarriage may be “common,” it certainly doesn’t feel “common” when you’re the one losing your baby. It doesn’t feel “common” 4 months later and probably won’t feel “common” 10 years from now. It amazes me how excited our family was when the baby was alive at 8 weeks, but it was just like he/she never existed when we lost him/her at 10 weeks. How can a baby be relevant one day and then forgotten 2 weeks later? Amazing. – Andrea

Regardless of how many other children you have, the pain of losing one of your pregnancies is still real. And when you grieve, it doesn’t mean you love your other children less. – Amber

Losing one child makes you hold more tighly to the others you have. I wish people were more understanding of the “over-protectiveness” that I now feel for my other two children. The reality that even young lives are fragile has never been more present in my mind. I want people to understand that. – Tammy

That losing a pet is not, never has been, and never will be the same as losing a child. Period. – Ruth

That saying “You can always try again!”, or ” Don’t worry, you’ll have a baby!” are not positive comments, especially when you know that person has had multiple losses. – Anna

Let yourself grieve for the loss of your baby. Never try to bottle it up and pretend that you are ok. Allow yourself to go through all the emotions of grieving. The grief can be overbearing and isolating.  If you are struggling to cope, never be afraid to speak to a professional. – Sian

Please stop trying to justify it. A lot of people say that early miscarriage are always caused by chromosome abnormalities, but that is not ALWAYS true! Stop telling me it’s better off because something was wrong with my baby. Some miscarriages have other causes. – Amanda

 No matter how early it happens it is still God’s created life…your baby. – Becky

 I wish people wouldn’t minimize the loss of a child at any stage, any cause. Things like “at least you have more children” or “you will have more” are NOT comforting. These are lost children, not goldfish! No one can line up child loss parents and “rate” who is suffering more than another because of the circumstances of the loss. All of the parents are suffering deeply from a deeply horrendous loss. – Jennifer

That I should be over it or that I need to let go. Also the awkwardness that people throw your way when you talk about it. You talk about your child let me talk about mine too.  Just because she was not born alive does not mean that she was never alive. This is my daughter forever. –Tiffany

That a grieving parent doesn’t want to hear ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘he is in a better place’ or ‘it was God’s will’ or anything of the sort. Nothing is going to make us believe that our children don’t belong here with us on earth. – Dear Finley

 That most women want to talk about the loss of their angel baby – regardless of what stage of pregnancy they were in. Unless you have experienced one, early miscarriages are often seen as “no big deal”. It is a HUGE deal to the mother. Especially one like me who has had only one pregnancy – which I lost at 8 weeks and may never be able to conceive again. My angel baby was my one and only chance at being a mother – and my daughter’s life shouldn’t be ignored because she never took a breath here on earth. – Hope

 I really wished that people would take into consideration that just because you’ve experienced multiple miscarriage they are all equal in the amount of hurt, pain, loss, grief you feel.Or the fact that just because you have lost multiple pregnancies doesn’t mean that god has decided to give you a sign that you shouldn’t have a child. — Holly

I wish people knew the right things to say –Kimmie

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About the author: Devan McGuinness

is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief , which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss.

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