Raven and River

I arrived at this site as I was looking for…well honestly i’m not sure quite for what. My ability to focus and concentrate has significantly decreased lately. So, maybe I will share my story and see if it helps.

My husband and I had been TTC for 4 months when I got pregnant. I was one month in to my first year teaching – that was in October. We were thrilled. At nine weeks I had my first ob-gyn appointment and they said they couldn’t find a heartbeat, but they said not to worry, that it was still too early to find easily. I went through report cards and parent teacher interviews and we still thought everything was ok. And then at 10 weeks 4 days, I started to spot. The next day I went to ER and they told me my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days. We were devastated.

For me, my world stopped. I couldn’t stop crying; I couldn’t do anything. That was right before Christmas. My two best friends were pregnant and due a few months before I was. They tried their best, but they don’t get it.

After the Christmas break, I went back to school. My students knew about my pregnancy and the miscarriage, and they handled it well. Going back restored a feeling of normalcy and routine and I thought I was healing better. And then I had to go to my best friend’s baby shower, and another friend had a baby, and my cousin announced her pregnancy, and my colleague decided the best time to tell me she was pregnant was right before I had to teach for the day and my first lesson was from The Giver when the father kills the weaker infant twin. I cried the whole morning.

Things started to go downhill from there. I started having some suicidal thoughts and was getting a bit paranoid. I told my husband and he got me to go to counseling, which has helped a lot.

When my mood improved and I was getting back to normal again, I got pregnant again. Those first 16 hours were bliss, and then I started to bleed. My doctor sent me for hgc blood tests and much to our surprise, everything was going just fine. They booked an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks pregnant, and everything was fine. Two days later I bled heavily. My 6 week ultrasound confirmed that I had an incomplete miscarriage. Again, we were devastated.

In 5 months I have had two D &Cs, had been more happy than I ever could have been, and more sad than I could have imagined. I waited a bit to name our first angel, but our second we named right away.  We are very lucky to have our angels buried with all the other little angels who died in the hosiptal. In the summer we will begin our journey to discover if we can why this is happening, even though my doctor says that we should wait for another miscarriage to do any testing. I am still seeing my counsellor, and as much as I want a baby of our own I am scared of going through this again.

Thanks for letting me share…

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