Raven and River

I arrived at this site as I was looking for…well honestly i’m not sure quite for what. My ability to focus and concentrate has significantly decreased lately. So, maybe I will share my story and see if it helps.

My husband and I had been TTC for 4 months when I got pregnant. I was one month in to my first year teaching – that was in October. We were thrilled. At nine weeks I had my first ob-gyn appointment and they said they couldn’t find a heartbeat, but they said not to worry, that it was still too early to find easily. I went through report cards and parent teacher interviews and we still thought everything was ok. And then at 10 weeks 4 days, I started to spot. The next day I went to ER and they told me my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days. We were devastated.

For me, my world stopped. I couldn’t stop crying; I couldn’t do anything. That was right before Christmas. My two best friends were pregnant and due a few months before I was. They tried their best, but they don’t get it.

After the Christmas break, I went back to school. My students knew about my pregnancy and the miscarriage, and they handled it well. Going back restored a feeling of normalcy and routine and I thought I was healing better. And then I had to go to my best friend’s baby shower, and another friend had a baby, and my cousin announced her pregnancy, and my colleague decided the best time to tell me she was pregnant was right before I had to teach for the day and my first lesson was from The Giver when the father kills the weaker infant twin. I cried the whole morning.

Things started to go downhill from there. I started having some suicidal thoughts and was getting a bit paranoid. I told my husband and he got me to go to counseling, which has helped a lot.

When my mood improved and I was getting back to normal again, I got pregnant again. Those first 16 hours were bliss, and then I started to bleed. My doctor sent me for hgc blood tests and much to our surprise, everything was going just fine. They booked an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks pregnant, and everything was fine. Two days later I bled heavily. My 6 week ultrasound confirmed that I had an incomplete miscarriage. Again, we were devastated.

In 5 months I have had two D &Cs, had been more happy than I ever could have been, and more sad than I could have imagined. I waited a bit to name our first angel, but our second we named right away.  We are very lucky to have our angels buried with all the other little angels who died in the hosiptal. In the summer we will begin our journey to discover if we can why this is happening, even though my doctor says that we should wait for another miscarriage to do any testing. I am still seeing my counsellor, and as much as I want a baby of our own I am scared of going through this again.

Thanks for letting me share…

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I have two little angel babies and no living babies.

  1. I’m so sorry for your losses. It is an emotional rollercoaster that no one should have to endure. It is also so unfair that we have our pregnancy innocence brutally ripped from us so quickly. My husband and I suffered 3 losses before finally having our preemie. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, we are proof. I know how painful it is to see everyone around you conceive and have wonderful pregnancies and babies. I know how sad it is losing a baby and trying to gather the courage to try again. It is frightening to try again. You’re terrified of losing another one and starting over again. When you’re TTC you’re constantly on edge and anxious as to whether this is going to be the month or another let down. And if you do achieve that miracle pregnancy…how long will it last? You’re not alone. Try to keep your head up. Take time to heal. If you feel that your OB isn’t being proactive enough and taking your concerns seriously, find another provider. There is nothing wrong with finding someone else who will help you. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, believe me.

  2. Dear Annie,
    Please accept my condolences. None of us should have to deal with losing a child – there is no grief like it in the world. The death of grandparents and parents, although deep and painful is simply different than the death of your child – don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT minimizing anyone’s grief, just saying that the grief we share is hard to understand by those who haven’t experienced it. I’m so glad that your husband got you to go to counselling and that it has helped. I would agree with Larissa above – get a second opinion! Most places will do testing after 2-3 losses and it seems that you are there. Hopefully it will be a simple and fixable issue that can prevent this in the future.

    I had never obtained a second opinion, ever! But the fertility clinic we were at kept shoving IUI and IVF at us and we finally got the courage to get a second opinion. We are now at another clinic which we like, a physician who believes that our situation isn’t that dire, and we are on our second cycle of clomid and trying on our own. I was pleasantly surprised when at my last bloodwork appointment I was given Progesterone to use from after ovulation up until the end of my cycle – I was told that it wouldn’t hurt, but with our miscarriage 10 months ago, it may help. Finally we found proactive care, rather than reactive.

    Please hang in there. The grief doesn’t go away, but the intensity and the pain eases a bit. Sending you big hugs!!!

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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