Pregnancy Equals Life. Miscarriage Equals Life Never Existed

I just saw a post for a pregnancy announcement with an ultrasound picture and my due date. It hit me really hard, not just because I don’t have my baby anymore, but because it seems like to everyone else, their life never existed  Yet, here is a picture of another life that was created at the same time and is still growing and thriving and that is a beautiful thing to me.The congrats and hopes for that baby are in abundance.

While my baby has died, my only hope is that people acknowledge the life that was there.

How precious it was to me and our family.

Along with the 4 other losses we’ve had, I still cry for these children, miss and long for them. My children cry for them, look at ultrasounds and wish they had their sister and other sisters and brothers. We had plans just like anyone else does when they are expecting. We wondered what their hair and eye color would be, boy or girl? Names? or what their personalities would be like. We never got the over abundance of congrats, or loving support while expecting instead we got… “Let’s not get too excited, she’ll probably miscarry again” or ” what are you thinking telling too soon!?

What was I thinking? I was thinking I want to share the joy I have for this child being alive at this moment —  knowing how fleeting and precious life is. I wanted to enjoy and share every minute of it. That was my choice, I never asked for opinions, just to be allowed to be excited and happy for what we were blessed with.

After a loss you’re expected to move on, no one really wants to hear about it. I’ve heard, “it’s not a real baby“, “it’s not a big deal“. I can sometimes understand someone who has not been through this thinking that. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. After multiple miscarriage,s the tone changes to you should be use to it or its nature’s way or God’s will. You never get use to it. In fact it was not natures way, my babies were healthy — no gene defects. God does not intend death, he never intended death for us or for us to live with this kind of anguish, so I will not believe God willed me to miscarry. Having said that and knowing all things work together for good and the glory of God, I know each tiny life God gives purpose to, every miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. I have seen proof of this, not only with my own, but in others’ stories. Miscarriage does not cause someone to stop being. Just like we were formed in the womb and born, the others just didn’t get the chance to make it that far. We all start the same way.

  • “28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
  • “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” Lamentations 3:32-33
  • “I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly” John 10 :10
  • “Can a woman forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?” Isaiah 49:15
  • “My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.your eye beheld MY unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me,when none of them yet existed.” Psalm 139:15-16
  • ” just as you do not know how breath comes to the bones in the mother’s womb, so you do not know the work of God” Ecclesiastes 11:5

I made a note of this because for years now it has been particularly bothersome to see how other women were treated after a miscarriage. I know this won’t be read by many or maybe not at all, but If one person gains awareness or new perspective it can spread.

Less than 1% of women (men.. It takes two!) will experience more than 3 consecutive miscarriages (losses) or more. This is our reality. Four consecutive miscarriages and 1 miscarriage after a birth of a living child.

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i'm 25 years old. Married for 6 years. I have 3 children 20 months,2.5yrs and a 5 yr old. I have have MTHFR with 2 mutated strands which have caused 5 miscarriages. I recently had a loss in march after ttc for 6 months for a fourth child. We will be trying again soon:) My goal here is to give hope to families who are struggling to find answers and ready to give up. Even when it seems like there is not light at the light at the tunnel, things can change suddenly and answers can come when you least expect them :)

  1. Hello there,

    Your story was read, and it resembles my story. I have had three consecutive miscarriages and no live births yet. I am losing hope to be honest with you… As soon as that positive test line appears, I start thinking whether the rest of the story will repeat itself and unfortunately, up until now it has. I have heard the “you should be used to it by now”, and the “do not tell anyone, you never know what happens” too. I have also tried to convince myself that what existed inside me, for a brief moment, was a collection of cells and nothing else, unfortunately I can’t. My children might have never been born, I might have never seen their faces or heard their voices, but they definitely existed inside me. Whilst I am not “glad” other women are or have been in the same situation as I am right now, I appreciate you sharing your experience, it does make a difference, as you know this can be a very lonely thing to go through. My partner is very kind and understanding, he is saddened by what is happening too, but he cannot feel it in his core like I do… I hope that one day I can revisit this page and share the news of a live birth with you… until then… thank you.

    1. We had 3 consecutive misscarriages and now have a son and I’m very nearly 29wks pregnant. It is possible. You can do it. Look into baby aspirin – I was told to take it after tests showed no reasons for our losses. I honestly believe it is the reason my son is here and my current pregnancy is on going.

      Good luck to you, to you both xxx

    2. I appreciated your blog post so much…It is definetly my story…all of it…and it saddnes me that others experience the comments and isolation as well. I have a deep need for community right now, but knowing that it is a community I might not find. The last 6 months have been very hard to say the least I have had two miscarriages one in November where I lost my daughter at 15 weeks and another one where I lost my son just this march. (I have been pregnant 7 times and have two living son’s) the only way I got over my previous miscarriages was by getting pregnant with my son that I finally carried full term…never really dealing with the losses. Once I had my second son who is now 22 months I thought we were out of the woods and then when we found out we were pregnant this past August we were thrilled…only to find out at my 15 week Dr apt. that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. The only way I seemed to get over that loss was again by getting pregnant. This next pregnancy was followed very closely so at 6 weeks we had already known that the baby was non viable. However there was more involved this time. It turns out it was a partial molar pregnancy, which means (in my case after pathology testing) that cancerous cells had grown..Now as I endure weekly blood work to make sure my hcg levels drop (because if they don’t that means they did not remove all the cells and that I would then have to go through chemo therapy) I am having a very hard time “moving on” . Every week is a reminder of what has happened and the possibility of what might. I also was pregnant at the same time as my very close sister in law who just had her baby girl…my wounds are very deep and I am finding it hard to be in the same room as them…I get to watch my precious niece grow up the way my daughter never will. I know that God is in this and with me…I just don’t have much strength to hope…hope that things will turn out alright …hope that he could work a miracle…hope that one day I might have more babies..and I have no one that believes in God and has also experienced this (not that I would wish this on anyone) to talk to or to tell me what I’m feeling is alright. The world stopped for me the day I lost my babies ..but not for anyone else…they have all moved on…but I am stuck…I am usually a very outgoing bubbly person very social…and at this point it takes all my strength to just get out of bed and be there for my little boys…But I feel everyone else thinks I should be past this already…that I should move forward….I just dont know how.

  2. My wife and I suffered two miscarriages and have unsuccessfully been pregnant since. From a mans prospective its Ben extremely hard and never gets easier to think about she carried the first to about 4 months the second was about a month and a half…I’ve found new respect for women everywhere I wouldn’t have made it through the pain without her everyone stay strong.

  3. I thank you for sharing and am sorry for your loss. I had my first miscarriage over twenty years ago, and one last year, and have dealt with my daughter running away with her grandson who we were practically raising in march, so I know that each of those times was different. This time with kidney failure causing us to lose our miracle at 14 1/2 weeks when up to then everything was perfect, followed with delivery at home, and hemmoraging, trying to avoid the d and c surgery because of my bleeding and complications and follow up with doc tomorrow. This time I have moments of grief and depression but at times I want to rage out at people who tell me things like oh it was nature/God’s will a way of fixing a mistake . Mireille was our child, not a mistake. While I trust God and needed to be reminded of those scriptures knowing everything has a purpose; I find myself mad at God that his answers to our prayers was NO. Just got a message saying hope/will plan on seeing you at church. My first husband that passed was a pastor, I was Music Minister and I have drawn close to God on this issue as well as every other issue and time of grief in my life; but this time I don’t want to be around the people and everyone saying it was God’s will doesn’t understand it hurts to hear God’s will was for our child to die over and over and that seems to be pushing me away from God. Thank you for reminding me God is there and with me. A friend who lives out-of-state keeps calling to check on me occasionally letting me not talk or vent based off of what I need at the time and says it sounds like I have postpartum Depression so when I see the doctor on Monday hopefully she will have suggestions. I just know people don’t realize what or that it may be different this time in what you are going through. I am 45 and he is 50 but he wants to try one more time and people are cruel if he says that. Please pray for me to be patient, remember God is with me, and to get the doctor involved. Thanks you for sharing, it can be helpful and hard at the same time. It is appreciated.

  4. I’m 19 and had a stillborn boy. He was everything to me and my boyfriend.
    The comments others make like “you’re young, you have loads more to make” or ” don’t worry , you can have another one”. People don’t undrestand the stupidity that drips from those comments.
    I’m sorry for all your losses and to everyone on this website.
    All of you females are my heroes. Just reading your stories makes me feel less alone.
    Enjoy your day.

  5. I’m going to the doctor in half an hour, but I already know what he will confirm. I’ve been down this road before, I know the cramping pain and the bleeding. Even though I tried hard to guard my heart and told myself to expect disappointment again, I’m still gutted and grieving.

    Thank you for sharing those bible verses. I have another (perhaps obscure) that has greatly comforted me. After David’s son dies he says “I can go to him, but he can’t come to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23. My little daughter and son were not just fleeting moments on earth, they are still going strong, and I will meet them one day. I will go to them, see how they grew, know who they are. I believe God says so.

    So as I lie here bleeding with tears running down my face, I can whisper in confidence “Goodbye little one, go and be with your loving maker. I’ll see you soon”.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


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