I just saw a post for a pregnancy announcement with an ultrasound picture and my due date. It hit me really hard, not just because I don’t have my baby anymore, but because it seems like to everyone else, their life never existed Yet, here is a picture of another life that was created at the same time and is still growing and thriving and that is a beautiful thing to me.The congrats and hopes for that baby are in abundance.
While my baby has died, my only hope is that people acknowledge the life that was there.
How precious it was to me and our family.
Along with the 4 other losses we’ve had, I still cry for these children, miss and long for them. My children cry for them, look at ultrasounds and wish they had their sister and other sisters and brothers. We had plans just like anyone else does when they are expecting. We wondered what their hair and eye color would be, boy or girl? Names? or what their personalities would be like. We never got the over abundance of congrats, or loving support while expecting instead we got… “Let’s not get too excited, she’ll probably miscarry again” or ” what are you thinking telling too soon!?“
What was I thinking? I was thinking I want to share the joy I have for this child being alive at this moment — knowing how fleeting and precious life is. I wanted to enjoy and share every minute of it. That was my choice, I never asked for opinions, just to be allowed to be excited and happy for what we were blessed with.
After a loss you’re expected to move on, no one really wants to hear about it. I’ve heard, “it’s not a real baby“, “it’s not a big deal“. I can sometimes understand someone who has not been through this thinking that. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. After multiple miscarriage,s the tone changes to you should be use to it or its nature’s way or God’s will. You never get use to it. In fact it was not natures way, my babies were healthy — no gene defects. God does not intend death, he never intended death for us or for us to live with this kind of anguish, so I will not believe God willed me to miscarry. Having said that and knowing all things work together for good and the glory of God, I know each tiny life God gives purpose to, every miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. I have seen proof of this, not only with my own, but in others’ stories. Miscarriage does not cause someone to stop being. Just like we were formed in the womb and born, the others just didn’t get the chance to make it that far. We all start the same way.
- “28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
- “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” Lamentations 3:32-33
- “I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly” John 10 :10
- “Can a woman forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?” Isaiah 49:15
- “My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.your eye beheld MY unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me,when none of them yet existed.” Psalm 139:15-16
- ” just as you do not know how breath comes to the bones in the mother’s womb, so you do not know the work of God” Ecclesiastes 11:5
I made a note of this because for years now it has been particularly bothersome to see how other women were treated after a miscarriage. I know this won’t be read by many or maybe not at all, but If one person gains awareness or new perspective it can spread.
Less than 1% of women (men.. It takes two!) will experience more than 3 consecutive miscarriages (losses) or more. This is our reality. Four consecutive miscarriages and 1 miscarriage after a birth of a living child.