Not Sure Where To Go From Here

I appreciated your blog. I have deep need for community right now, but knowing that it is a community I might not find.

The last 6 months have been very hard to say the least I have had two miscarriages one in November where I lost my daughter at 15 weeks and another one where I lost my son just this march. (I have been pregnant 7 times and have two living son’s) The only way I got over my previous miscarriages was by getting pregnant with my son that I finally carried full term…never really dealing with the losses.

Once I had my second son, who is now 22 months, I thought we were out of the woods and then when we found out we were pregnant this past August. We were thrilled…only to find out at my 15 week doctor appointment that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. The only way I seemed to get over that loss was again by getting pregnant.

This next pregnancy was followed very closely, so at 6 weeks we had already known that the baby was non-viable. However, there was more involved this time. It turns out it was a partial molar pregnancy, which means (in my case after pathology testing) that cancerous cells had grown.

Now as I endure weekly blood work to make sure my hCG levels drop (because if they don’t that means they did not remove all the cells and that I would then have to go through chemo therapy). I am having a very hard time “moving on”.

Every week is a reminder of what has happened and the possibility of what might. I also was pregnant at the same time as my very close sister-in-law who just had her baby girl. My wounds are very deep and I am finding it hard to be in the same room as them. I get to watch my precious niece grow up the way my daughter never will.

I know that God is in this and with me…I just don’t have much strength to hope…hope that things will turn out alright …hope that he could work a miracle…hope that one day I might have more babies..and I have no one that believes in God and has also experienced this (not that I would wish this on anyone) to talk to or to tell me what I’m feeling is alright. The world stopped for me the day I lost my babies, but not for anyone else. They have all moved on, but I am stuck. I am usually a very outgoing bubbly person very social and at this point it takes all my strength to just get out of bed and be there for my little boys.  I feel everyone else thinks I should be past this already — that I should move forward — I just don’t know how.

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  1. What you’re feeling IS alright. It is. No matter what you’re feeling.
    I’m so sorry for your losses, my heart breaks for you and your babies. I have only miscarried once, a few weeks ago, and it was my first pregnancy. I question my feelings all the time, and have gotten defensive when people imply that I should be healing better, feeling differently. I am beginning to come to terms with myself. If my mind and heart didn’t need these feelings to survive, they wouldn’t be happening. I need to grieve and I will need to grieve for a long time. This pain is real, even if many people don’t and cannot understand. We are all a network of parents suffering huge losses, and I think, what we’re feeling, really is alright.
    It truly does feel like the world has stopped for me too, and I watch it somehow continue to move on without me. How does everyone carry on when my heart has been ripped out? Don’t they know how much has been lost?
    What you’re feeling is alright. Your heart is trying to heal from the deepest of wounds, even if the world doesn’t really understand. What you’re feeling IS alright.
    Hugs and hope.

  2. I just want to comment as someone who survived a partial molar pregnancy – and additional miscarriage afterwards….You most definitely “should not move past this already” – it is heartbreaking that you even feel this way. I am still grappling with the effects of my partial molar pregnancy, and that is one year later and after ANOTHER miscarriage. It is a horrifying experience. I never felt as if I was given the space to grieve the loss because I had to immediately jump into cancer survival mode. I am hoping you are having some gentler days since your post.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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