Not My First Baby

I miscarried early.

The pregnancy was a surprise.  I was on the pill.. I just figured out I was pregnant when I miscarried.  From my calculations I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks along.

Obviously, I didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl.  But, I named her.  Her name is Audrey Jane.  My first baby – the one I never got to meet or hold.

That was 2.5 years ago..  the day after our second anniversary.

Next month, we’re going to start trying.

But, I won’t be trying for my first.

I’ve already had a first.  She grew inside me for a moment.  She existed.  She was my first.

This may be my first BORN, but in reality, this will be my second pregnancy, my second baby.

But, it feels complicated to explain that to strangers.  So sometimes I’ll say it’s my first.. and cringe inside, because I know it’s not true.  My first is Audrey.. The baby I never met.

I just pray that I’ll be able to meet her siblings.. to hold them.. and not have them exist only in my memory too.

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  1. @Natasha – you’re welcome.
    @ladybugjen – yes, it’s hard to explain. And I find it awkward – especially because I told very few about my miscarriage to begin with. At the time, that’s what I needed – but now.. I wish I had been more open.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness


Unspoken Grief exists to provide peer-to-peer support and resources. The information on this site is intended only for advocacy and educational purposes. It's not intended to give medical advice, to diagnose or to offer treatment for any medical or psychological conditions. Please consult your own health care provider for your own specific situation and needs.