Not My First Baby

I miscarried early.

The pregnancy was a surprise.  I was on the pill.. I just figured out I was pregnant when I miscarried.  From my calculations I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks along.

Obviously, I didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl.  But, I named her.  Her name is Audrey Jane.  My first baby – the one I never got to meet or hold.

That was 2.5 years ago..  the day after our second anniversary.

Next month, we’re going to start trying.

But, I won’t be trying for my first.

I’ve already had a first.  She grew inside me for a moment.  She existed.  She was my first.

This may be my first BORN, but in reality, this will be my second pregnancy, my second baby.

But, it feels complicated to explain that to strangers.  So sometimes I’ll say it’s my first.. and cringe inside, because I know it’s not true.  My first is Audrey.. The baby I never met.

I just pray that I’ll be able to meet her siblings.. to hold them.. and not have them exist only in my memory too.

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