New here, very glad to find you!

I have wanted to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome since I was 8 years old (I just turned 40). My partner, of 20 years, and we have been actively trying to adopt since the beginning of 2007. Many times we would get so close only for that baby to be given to someone else, it felt just like the miscarriages you all describe on here.

Then finally on June 1, 2011 we were chosen as parents for a beautiful boy that was due July 16th. He had been prenatally diagnosed with Down Syndrome but there were no heart problems or other problems noted by the ultrasound. We were so excited, finally we were able to plan and get ready for a son.

On July 3rd two weeks early, Duncan Patrick was born. We were able to hold him two hours after he was born and we were in love! I knew at that second he was my child.

Two days after he was born he still had not pooped, because of various risk factors of DS they transferred him to a higher acuity medical center for testing. When we got there they told us they thought they knew what the problem was and it could be fixed with a fairly easy surgery. On July 12, 2011 I kissed my bright eyed little boy and sent him off to surgery. As they wheeled him away I told them, Make sure you take care of my boy!!! They said no problem he will be out and home in no time. Less than an hour later the Dr was calling us to the “consult room”. We knew that did not sound good but we just figured they had to take an alternate route for the surgery.

It was then that we were told that Duncan had developed a fatal complication on the table and after much effort they were not able to bring him back. My special perfect boy was only 9 days old.

That was two weeks ago yesterday and I go through so many different emotions, I have my good days (then I feel guilty for that) and I have my bad day, like today, where I just can’t stop crying no matter how hard I try! I was happy to find the site. At least here people know the hurt and understand. It is amazing to me how quickly people around you forget what you have just been through, and the conversation goes back to newborns and having babies.

I am a nurse myself and I work at a home health that does home visits for kids with serious illnesses and visits on newborns with Jaundice. I think my biggest hurdle with work is that I cannot fathom holding a newborn yet, I wish I knew when that would go away?

Sorry this is so long, thank you for this safe haven!!!

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  1. I am so sorry that Duncan didn’t make it. He sounds like a wonderful boy and I know he would have had a wonderful life with you.

    It is a hard adjustment to get back to life after losing a baby. Take your time and hopefully you can avoid holding a newborn until you are ready too.

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

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