Needing an outlet

I am desperately needing an outlet right now. I find myself consistently angry. Actually down right pissed off to be honest. I do believe that this will ease in time, but for right now the moods are overwhelming to me. I have been reading everyone elses posts and expressions of their experiences and I figured that it was time I shared my story too.

It took us what felt like forever to even get pregnant. In reality it wasn’t really that long (17 months) but it felt like forever and to know that there was no medical reason for it, was just all the most frustrating. Eventually (Jan 2011) I found out that I was finally pregnant. We were overjoyed.

Everything was going along well, maybe too well in hindsight. We had had the screening tests for varied major issues like Down’s etc and it came back that there was “an increased risk of spina bifida”. We figured if our baby happened to have spina bifida we could handle it. We went to our 18 week appt (May 9) figuring that everything would be routine and just as other appt’s. When we arrived the OB told us that not only did the blood work screen show an increased risk for spina bifida but also increased risk for trisomy 18. I still haven’t bothered to google trisomy 18, but I knew immediately that that was very very bad.

The OB went on to explain to us that we should strongly consider having an amnio done after the detailed ultrasound scheduled the following week because “babies born with trisomy 18 do not live”. Needless to say, I fell apart. I mean, fell apart into a million little pieces. After calming down (mildly at best) he had me lie down to do a regular exam. He was unable to find the heartbeat. Again, I fell apart. We were rushed into the other office for an emergency ultrasound and the tech attempted to have a better look. She was terrible. She asked me a million questions about why my first ultrasound was done at the hospital instead of a clinic and harassed me because I have very well managed type 1 diabetes (something I am super proud of by the way). She went ahead and did the ultrasound, keeping the screen facing me even though I asked her to move it. We could all see that there was no movement, no heartbeat and the baby truly didn’t even look like a baby anymore. It was more like a clump or blob. It was an absolutely horrible experience, seeing that.

We met again with the OB and I already knew what he was going to say. I prayed that I was wrong and everything was actually alright. Of course, I was right and things were very very bad. We had lost our baby.

The OB told us that we had two options, one was to use a medication and a balloon thing (sorry don’t know the medical details) and wait for the pregnancy to pass. Isn’t that just a horrible terrible way of explaining this? The other option was to arrange for a D&C. I opted for the D&C and while I’m thankful that I didn’t have to go through the other option, it still sucks!

Now, almost a month later I think that I am emotionally doing alright, then all of a sudden everything falls apart again. I break down and cry with no explanation. I feel angry all the time and when I don’t feel sad or angry…I’m just plain scared.

We have a plan to move forward complete with assistance from our OB. We’re both very much looking forward to that, but I am scared at the same time. I know it’ll take time and it’s still really fresh in my mind. I know that I will never forget and I don’t want to forget. I just want to be less angry at the universe for taking my baby away from me.

Thanks for listening & understanding my grief.

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  1. I’m so sorry Amanda…

    I completely understand your anger – it took me a long time to stop being angry after miscarriage – at God, the universe, myself, other people with babies, pregnant people…

    Honestly I wouldn’t TRY to stop your anger – just feel it. What happened to you is not right and it’s not fair and it’s something to have grief and anger over. Give yourself the time and permission to feel what you’re feeling…

    I know we don’t know each other, but I want you to know that my tears are joined with yours and I sincerely hope you find comfort.

  2. Amanda, I was so sad reading your story. 18 weeks is a long time to bond with your baby, only to lose him or her. I totally relate to the feeling angry at the universe. Recently I kindled the book On Fertile Ground, which is about coping with infertility, but as someone who as also experienced miscarriage, I found the reflections in this book comforting. There are also exercises that I didn’t think would help, but actually helped tremendously. Sometimes I think grief is forever, but the sharpness of the pain can be diminished. This book helped me with softening the edges a bit and made daily life a little easier to handle. The book is by Helen Adrienne. You can order it on amazon, if you’re interested.

    I wish you the best in your healing process.

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss Amanda – that is such a tough spot to be in! Your story sounds fairly similar to mine: took a long time to get pregnant due to ‘unexplained infertility’, then finally get pregnant with our first child and things go wrong. The anger is normal – I spent a long time being angry and I even blogged about it. My anger manifested itself in me by losing my temper over the dumbest thing, totally losing my cool and blowing up big time. I still get angry more than I should, but it doesn’t happen as often. What has remained is that stomach turning anger which makes my entire body shake, my stomach is in knots and I can’t calm down for hours or sometime days. For the first time in my life I actually can’t sleep because I’m so upset and my mind keeps analyzing the situation from a 1000angles. I even went to see a counsellor for this and I was told that this was normal and to give myself a break.

    Talk about your grief with a friend or your partner. When I shared my difficulty with the uncontrollable anger with my husband and mom , they were very understanding and didn’t take it personally when I lost my cool.

    Feel free to email me if you’d like to talk more: ChronicPain AT

  4. Thank you everyone for your feedback and support. I am pleased to say that after writing this post I felt better and even better after reading everyones support. I know that grief is a long process and I do not wish to skip it or speed it up, but I do want to work towards being less angry.

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