Needing an outlet

I am desperately needing an outlet right now. I find myself consistently angry. Actually down right pissed off to be honest. I do believe that this will ease in time, but for right now the moods are overwhelming to me. I have been reading everyone elses posts and expressions of their experiences and I figured that it was time I shared my story too.

It took us what felt like forever to even get pregnant. In reality it wasn’t really that long (17 months) but it felt like forever and to know that there was no medical reason for it, was just all the most frustrating. Eventually (Jan 2011) I found out that I was finally pregnant. We were overjoyed.

Everything was going along well, maybe too well in hindsight. We had had the screening tests for varied major issues like Down’s etc and it came back that there was “an increased risk of spina bifida”. We figured if our baby happened to have spina bifida we could handle it. We went to our 18 week appt (May 9) figuring that everything would be routine and just as other appt’s. When we arrived the OB told us that not only did the blood work screen show an increased risk for spina bifida but also increased risk for trisomy 18. I still haven’t bothered to google trisomy 18, but I knew immediately that that was very very bad.

The OB went on to explain to us that we should strongly consider having an amnio done after the detailed ultrasound scheduled the following week because “babies born with trisomy 18 do not live”. Needless to say, I fell apart. I mean, fell apart into a million little pieces. After calming down (mildly at best) he had me lie down to do a regular exam. He was unable to find the heartbeat. Again, I fell apart. We were rushed into the other office for an emergency ultrasound and the tech attempted to have a better look. She was terrible. She asked me a million questions about why my first ultrasound was done at the hospital instead of a clinic and harassed me because I have very well managed type 1 diabetes (something I am super proud of by the way). She went ahead and did the ultrasound, keeping the screen facing me even though I asked her to move it. We could all see that there was no movement, no heartbeat and the baby truly didn’t even look like a baby anymore. It was more like a clump or blob. It was an absolutely horrible experience, seeing that.

We met again with the OB and I already knew what he was going to say. I prayed that I was wrong and everything was actually alright. Of course, I was right and things were very very bad. We had lost our baby.

The OB told us that we had two options, one was to use a medication and a balloon thing (sorry don’t know the medical details) and wait for the pregnancy to pass. Isn’t that just a horrible terrible way of explaining this? The other option was to arrange for a D&C. I opted for the D&C and while I’m thankful that I didn’t have to go through the other option, it still sucks!

Now, almost a month later I think that I am emotionally doing alright, then all of a sudden everything falls apart again. I break down and cry with no explanation. I feel angry all the time and when I don’t feel sad or angry…I’m just plain scared.

We have a plan to move forward complete with assistance from our OB. We’re both very much looking forward to that, but I am scared at the same time. I know it’ll take time and it’s still really fresh in my mind. I know that I will never forget and I don’t want to forget. I just want to be less angry at the universe for taking my baby away from me.

Thanks for listening & understanding my grief.

Amanda

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