Twelve Miscarriages

twelve miscarriages

I have had 12 miscarriages – saying that is hard for me.

After my first miscarriage, I remember hearing a doctor tell me through my grief fog that “sometimes this just happens” and left me with the feeling that there is no other explanation. I had no idea just how much that ugly word – miscarriage – was going to affect my life.

Pregnancy is far more complicated than I ever imagined. The issues with conceiving and holding a pregnancy were glossed over in nearly every book I read. No one talked about their struggles and I felt so alone. I felt embarrassed.

Two miscarriages. Pregnant again. Scared. Worried. Healthy, full-term baby. Thankful.

Two miscarriages. Pregnant again. Terrified. 14 weeks, baby was born too soon. Gone.

Diagnosed with Factor V Leiden. Pregnant again. Healthy, full-term baby. Relieved.

Five miscarriages. Pregnant again. Nervous. Healthy, full-term baby. Joyed.

Two miscarriages. Infertility. 16 months later, pregnant again. Hopeful. Healthy, full-term baby. Done.

I never realized what I was feeling was “grief” because no one gave me the permission to feel sad. I was told that “at least” they were early and encouraged to “try again”.

I had never heard anyone share how their miscarriage made them feel. I was given no information from doctors, nursing staff, or anyone after any loss.

I had friends say “sorry” or “it happened for a reason” and never mention it again. I watched those dates come and go in the calendar without a word from anyone. I was told to “relax” and “not worry about it” with each new pregnancy and felt alone each time the world crashed again.

My husband was my rock. He supported me. He sought answers with me. He never made me feel ‘less than’. Together, we celebrated and cried no matter how short they were with us. He understood my anxiety and he advocated for our care – physical and emotional – during each pregnancy.

I decided that I was going to be vocal about my struggles in hopes of reaching anyone who feels or felt like I did – alone, embarrassed, and misunderstood. I share my story so others can feel supported and that their voice and their children matter. I share so doctors, nursing staff, and medical professionals understand the whole impact a miscarriage can have. I advocate so others know why and how to support.

My story will always be a part of me. It impacts how I parent my four amazing children and there are days I feel like I am right back in those first few grief-stricken moments. It’s made me stronger. It’s made me more aware. It’s made me more caring. And it’s proof that my children matter.

Through it all, I was diagnosed with progesterone deficiency, celiac disease, factor v leiden, and the year and a half I struggled to get pregnant was due to hormone imbalance. Through my pregnancies, I have been put on progesterone supplements, low-dose aspirin, LMW heparin injections, clomid, and am on a strict gluten-free diet. My four living children are healthy, happy, and I am acutely aware of how lucky I really am.

Photo credit: adapted from ivlys | Flickr

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Devan McGuinness

is the founder and executive director of the award-winning resource Unspoken Grief .

9 Comments
  1. Wow, what an incredible story of grief and joy all in one. I understand the heart ache of miscarriages. I had 4 total. I had 2 before I had my son and then 2 after. In 3 years I was pregnant 5 times and had one beautiful baby boy. There was no concrete reason why I had the miscarriages. I had every test done. I took progesterone when my levels were low. I had one pregnancy where we got to hear the baby’s heart beat and thought all was going to be ok–it wasn’t. Just thinking of it all now could make me cry if I let it. I have to think there is some reason for this. I have to think I can be of a help to others after what we went through. I thought I had been through a lot with 4 and then to hear that you had 10 is something. That tells me you are incredibly strong–but I know it still hurts and it sucks. Thank you for the blog. By breaking the silence you are helping others. I really hope that by sharing your story it you too. I am so grateful for my little boy, now 3. The miscarriages really did help me treasure my boy even more. God bless. Jennifer

  2. Wow. I too have Factor V Leiden. I am pregnant right now and doing 2 shots a day. I’ve done this with 2 of my other 4 pregnancies. I am surprised they didn’t catch this earlier with you. They have told you no birth control, right? Factor V Leiden patients should not be on birth control or any hormonal supplement, ever. I am so glad people are sharing their stories of grief. It is a blessing grieve together.

  3. I had 3 miscarriage and stillbirth baby girl and I been put to the injection still dint help I am thinking to start taking asprin real don’t know what to do

  4. i had six misarriages in the last 6 yrs,no kids yet.The last pregnancy waswith twins and i lost 7kids total.i had clots likeothers mentioned,severe clots.did all kinds of test,came outnormal.

  5. Hi, my husband and I tried for 10 years to have children and after 5 miscarriages gave birth to my daughter last year. I soon found out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago and sadly miscarried yesterday, I have a scan booked tomorrow to check, but I know I have deffinately have! Now it’s got to the point where I don’t want to try anymore, I can’t handle the pain of loosing my baby again. I hated being pregnant just because of all the worrying. I got myself in a right state when I was carrying my daughter, the midwife thought I was mad!

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Unspoken Grief is a non-profit website dedicated to creating awareness and resources for anyone touched directly or indirectly by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.

©Unspoken Grief 2017; Devan McGuinness

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