My two angels in heaven

I found this website and have found it so helpful.  I don’t really know where to start.  I have two healthy, beautiful children.  My daughter is 6 and my son is 2.  Well we thought we were done having children, however we found out November of 2010 that I was pregnant.  It was very overwhelming at first because at that time we had just sold our house and were living with m in-laws.  We had not been using protection because we had such a hard time getting pregnant the second time (used no protection for four years) we just didn’t think it would happen again.  My husband and I were happy and excited.  We were in the process of buying a new house and looking forward to having another baby even though it was not planned.  We already had a May baby and June baby, now we were due 7-21-11!

Everything was going good.  Heard the heartbeat around 11 weeks.  Then at 14 wks on a Saturday I started bleeding so heavily.  I thought for sure I had lost the baby.  My husband and I met our midwife at the office and her and doctor did an ultrasound.  I had prepared myself for the worst, but my baby still had a heartbeat and was moving!

What a relief!  They said I had placenta previa.

Was given a few restrictions, like no sex and no heavy lifting.  Went back in for check up later in week, heard heartbeat again and felt good about that.  On that following Saturday evening I started feeling cramps.  I told my husband something wasn’t right.  All day Sunday I had them and in back of my mind my body was in labor.  They got worse and I called the midwife.  She told me to drink water, take a bath and time how far apart they were.

Well, things went down hill fast.  I started passing big clots and bleeding bad.  I ended up passing the baby at 15 weeks along on the toilet and passed out.  My mom called 911 while my husband tried to wake me up.  I came-to once the ambulance arrived.  They laid me on the floor and cut the umbilical cord.  I just lost our baby boy on 1-30-11.

Long story short my placenta hemorrhaged.  That was the worst thing I had ever gone through.   I felt empty, lost, mad, sad.  Why did I lose my baby!?  And trying to cope with everything plus living with my in-laws PLUS trying to fix up our new house was so much!  On 2-11-11, my birthday we moved into our new home.  But the sadness and grief followed me.

I struggled bad with feeling mad.  I would cry all the time.  I would google anything I could about miscarriage because I felt like no one understood.  My best friend was pregnant and due the same week I was which was not helping.  I was happy for her but I could not talk to her about her pregnancy.  And I felt bad for feeling this was.

At the end of May 2011 I found out I was pregnant again!  Such a bittersweet moment!  Still grieving the loss of our son, whom we named Avery, and yet I was pregnant again!  Heard the beautiful sound of the heartbeat at 10 weeks!  It was 170!  I went back 4 weeks later for my routine check up.  The midwife could not find a heartbeat.  So we went to the ultrasound room.  My baby wasn’t moving and I knew he/she was gone.  The doctor came in and confirmed there was no heartbeat.  I cried and cried asking what did I do wrong!!!????   This time I went to hospital to deliver our baby and the date was 7-21-11, the due date with Avery.  Was not a good day and I don’t know if I will ever like 7-21-11 because it was my due date and the day I lost baby #4 at 14 weeks.  They couldn’t tell me if it was boy or girl so I named him/her Ashton.

I did find out I have Factor V Leiden and two other gene mutations that contribute to clotting disorders.  This is why I lost my babies.  I feel extremely Blessed to have had two completely normal pregnancies prior to my miscarriages.  If we decide to have another baby I will have to take Lovenox injections the entire pregnancy.

I held both of my babies.  Both had 10 fingers and 10 toes.  I think about them everyday.  I see my daughter and son doing things and think what would they have looked like and what their personalities would have been like.  I may tell people we have two children but in my mind it will always be four.   I love them with all my heart.   I believe they are in heaven with God but it doesn’t take away the pain.  I am praying with time I will heal.  It is especially difficult right now to hear about other people being pregnant, breastfeeding, newborns.  It just breaks my heart.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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